Bad Advice for a 7 Year Old: Am I a Bad Dad?

I often wonder if I give my kid mixed messages or if he understands my sarcasm and inside jokes…It took a lot of explaining that fruits don’t get married because they “Cantaloupe”…I assumed for the first 30 times that I told him the joke that he (a 7yr  and 362 day old) knew what eloping was…until he said “I never get that joke and you say it EVERY time we have cantaloupe”. This got me thinking about some of the advice I give him…does he understand my humor? Am I giving him advice that will scar him for life?

Our son goes to a small and I mean SMALL Lutheran school. As a matter of fact, there are only like 13 kids in his whole class. I know it’s a completely sheltered little nerd school, but it’s a great education and the kids are cool (most of them anyway)…and when I say cool, I mean nice. In my opinion, at 8 years old, they are all nerds and none of the kids can be considered “cool”…although some of them think they are, but you need to EARN the title of cool and 8 years on this Earth hasn’t earned you little shits that right yet. Anyway, my son likes all of the kids…he obviously has his favorites, but doesn’t hate anybody so that’s good. I, on the other hand, have to keep his little, impressionable brain in check when it comes to glorifying some of the kids. Like any class, there are kids who think they are “half-man, half-amazing”…I like to remind my son that when those kids go home they cry and whine just like every other eight year old…just so he knows that the kids who think of themselves as superheroes are generally the most insecure of the bunch…Am I wrong for doing that? I want to raise my kid to think he’s just as good as everybody else and not to be shuffled into some kind of elementary school hierarchy.

On the flipside, I don’t want him to think he’s better than anybody else either, so I like to remind him of that too. I guess I’m trying to prepare for the impending middle school drama...yeah, I said “I’m” trying to prepare for it…I know myself...and there are times when I haven’t always given the best advice to him…like when he said he was tripped on the playground and asked me what he should he have done. A good parent (at least what I perceive to be a good parent) would say something like “well, you should tell the teacher and blah blah blah”…What did I say? Without hesitation… “Punch him in the face and he’ll never do it again”…My son is way too gentle for that, so his response was “Daddddyyyyyy” in a tone like he was scolding me.

Sometimes, I like to let him think I’m just a little bit nuts so he thinks I’m mysterious. Sometimes, he just asks the wrong question at the wrong time…if I’ve had a tough day, my response is usually gonna be something completely off the wall (thankfully, he’s knows better than to trust those answers). Now…I know he wouldn’t punch another kid and I would never really want him to, but I’m thinking of the future…trying to help him set the tone. I know one thing, if he had punched the kid in the face, there would never be another issue, at least with that kid, the parents and I may have a little talk, but I would just deny it and chalk it up to boys being boys. Thankfully, there was never another issue (my kid probably tattle taled on him and got the kid in trouble…whatever). One day I’ll teach him the lesson of “Snitches Get Stitches”, but I think he’s a touch too young for that one. Although, he told me the other morning on the ride to school that Bugs Bunny liked being in jail because he got free food and free exercise…I promptly told him that Bugs Bunny didn’t tell him about having to make a shank so that when he went out to the yard to exercise he could protect himself from getting stabbed by the rival bunny gang and that prisoners really eat liver and garbage because they get the leftover scraps that the rest of the world won’t eat…He said “I never want to go to jail”…so that was ok to tell him, right?

I’ve given him more bad advice though…I tried to convince him that joining the choir was not cool at all, but EVERY and I mean EVERY single kid in his class is in the choir, so I would look like a dick if I didn’t let him join. He actually really enjoys it too, so I would have deprived him of the fun. I still think it’s borderline “you know what”, but I keep my mouth shut. I do get a kick out of the choir director though, he sings in this falsetto tone all the time so he can match the high pitch of the kids. The best part is that he is about the only one you hear because the kids didn’t join to actually sing. It is more of a social thing for them and a way to get out of class early on Thursdays, so they just stand there and let him make all the noise.

I’ve accepted the choir, but I will draw a line at the band…I’m not trying to say the band at the school is bad…I’m trying to say it is really, really, really not good. I know the kids try hard and all, but the government could pipe this band into terrorist’s prison cells and they would give up any information in the world for it to stop. The Saints try to go marching in, but when they do they are tripping over their own feet…it’s a mess…“Boom, Boom, Honk, Honk, Crash, Boom, Honk”. I’ve told my wife that I would love to take over the whole music program and make the kids sing songs that they would enjoy singing, but I would get too frustrated expecting them to sing like the kids in Harlem and these kids are the furthest thing from Harlem. In fact, if you were looking for the exact opposite school from one in Harlem, this would be your place.

***So I was writing a lot of this blog while waiting in the school parking lot for my kid to get out of choir practice and what is the first thing he says to me when he gets in the car? “Daddy, here is a paper about the Raleigh Boys Choir, I REALLY want to join it.”…My response? “Oh buddy, I’m not sure we can fit in another choir, after all, you have basketball starting and the school choir and maybe piano lessons starting (we haven’t even signed him up for piano lessons yet, but I had to make his life sound really busy…in my defense, I did say "maybe" piano lessons) and then you wouldn’t have any time to play video games at home”. Go ahead, judge me, tell me I’m a rotten Dad…I don’t care…I’m not spending every free moment I have to listen to a bunch of kids singing shit I don’t want to hear. We have a whole recording studio at the house…he can sing in there. What? I'm supposed to give up a perfectly good tee time to watch kids sing? Nope. When he was born I told my wife, “he’s joining our life, so he’s gonna have to adapt accordingly”.***

 

So I give bad advice...what can I say? So far he seems to be ok...I wish some of the other parents would give bad advice. Then only half the class would be in choir.

 

Before we part for the day:

BELOW IS A RANDOM 8 YEAR OLD CONVERSATION
(well, the conversation itself isn't 8 years old, but it's a conversation with...you get the point")

On the ride home, I realized that kids don’t ever stop talking and it’s like listening to an alien. After I stomped his Raleigh Boys Choir dream our conversation went as follows:

Michael (a mile a minute): “At recess, we played this game on the monkey bars and I’m a coach now”

Me: “What does being a coach mean?”

Michael: “After you pass 5 levels of monkey bar training, you can become a coach and since I was a student and I passed all 5 levels, I have become a coach. What kind of coach do you think I should be? A strict coach? or a nicer coach?”

Me (I have no idea why I was even still paying attention): “I think you should be a fun coach.”

Michael: “OK…I’ll be a fun coach and I have a really good student to coach too…blah blah blah” (he said some other shit about monkey bar coaching and I completely lost interest.)

Me: “Yeah”

Michael: “Daddy, I memorized my whole bible verse…wanna hear it?...(Insert the Verse)”

 ** the whole verse was maybe 1 ½ sentences long (I expected a little more because he made it sound like it was a big deal)...it made a mention of a psalm and I zoned out again…I started praying for more monkey bar talk**

Me: “Wow, that was amazing, you memorized the whole psalm”

Michael: “Psalm?, It’s called a verse, Dad”

**Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot...At this point I decided the only way to stop the babbling was to tell him about MY day**

Me: “So we met with an architect today about putting an addition on the house”

Michael: “Daddy, Beau went home with his Grandma today…can you turn on the radio?”

 **Hey kid…why don’t you pay attention to my stories for once?**

Me: “Absolutely”

 

Radio On!

 

Be good people…see ya soon

KC

Do Ladies Really Want a Sensitive Guy?

One of the age old questions…Do women really want a sensitive guy or do they prefer a manly man?

I was talking with one of my friends the other day and the topic of sensitive dudes came up. I asked her flat out, “What would you prefer…a manly man or a sensitive, metrosexual type?” Without hesitation she replied “manly man”. I guess that was the answer I expected, but not with quite as much conviction as she had in her response. Now, I realize that the sample size in my survey is about as small as it can get, but it was enough to pique my interest to make me think more about the topic.

What exactly do women mean when they say “sensitive”?

When I think of a “sensitive” dude, I think of a guy who is socially awkward and has very little in common with any other guys. He’s the guy who says “If she only knew what she was missing” or “What does she see in that guy?”.  He’s the guy who is always in the “friend zone”. The dude who cries at movies or pours his heart out to a girl too soon. The sensitive guy gets attached too quickly and becomes a semi-stalker. A person who writes sappy letters and uses metaphors like “my heart is an ocean” type of shit. Texting all the time…ultra-involved in decisions…worried about what you’re both going to wear to a party. A sensitive guy likes cats and cuddling. His hands are a little limp and he has an opinion on which curtains you buy. He’s the guy that hangs out with mostly girls because he says they “have more in common” …it’s really because his friends aren’t trying to listen to him cry about his ex-girlfriends anymore. I could go on all day.

So Mr. Sensitive…if you’re so great, why are you still single?

I’ll tell you why…because you spend all of your time dreaming and talking about how you are waiting for someone who can appreciate all you have to offer. You just can’t wait for the right woman to sit around a fire with, drinking wine and reading US Weekly and In Touch Magazine. You want to talk about decorating and cheese. You dream of cuddling up with a furry, down comforter and staring at your one true love while she is sleeping, with your chin in your hands thinking “I’m the luckiest guy in the whole wide world”.

Reality check…The lucky lady you’re looking for is already taken by a guy who is sitting in the other room watching Sports Center so the girl you want to stare at while she’s sleeping can be left alone to read Fifty Shades of Grey.

I can’t imagine most women really want that guy. I can understand wanting a guy who is conscious of your feelings, someone who holds the door open for you and someone who is there for you when you’re crying or whatever, but it seems to me that girls have girlfriends for sensitivity. We guys could probably all be a little “more sensitive”, but not “sensitive” as a permanent adjective. I try to be sensitive to my wife’s needs, but the best I can come up with when she’s crying is a hug and to tell her a shower might help (it usually does).

You know what the other problem is with these dudes? They are socially awkward around other couples which can make for some weird times with friends. Make no mistake about it ladies, when you have that guy as your man, the rest of the couples are talking about him behind your back. Things like, “How about so and so…he’s so weird…he’s like having another girl around.” The relationship is doomed and then you’re going to have a stalker on your hands. Late night hang-ups (just so he can hear you say “hello”), sappy text messages, begging for you back…Save yourself…Leave now!

BUT…if you do love him and plan on staying with him (I’m not sure how this could happen), but if it does, I have some advice for him to better fit in with the majority of dudes in social settings. Below are my five tips for fitting in with other non-sensitive guys.

Keep in mind that I don’t consider myself a “manly man”, but more of a “dude’s dude”, a “man of the people” if you will. I’m not into Alpha-Male shit like punching each other in the shoulder, calling each other names to emasculate one another or playing drinking games until I puke. However, I feel that there are certain things all guys should know in order to make their adventures in male, social circles a little easier. After the “How’s work?…What do you do for a living?...How’s the family?”, there is going to be a time when at least one of these topics will be very useful in navigating the dangerous waters of male conversation:

#1 Sports Knowledge- If all else fails, sports are your “go to” topic of conversation. Dudes should know something relevant about sports. At the very least, know who the current world champions are in each of the four major sports (but beware, that is not enough to get you through a whole night of guy conversation). In my opinion, you should allocate at least 15 -20 minutes per day to watching the beginning of Sports Center on ESPN and if you find yourself with nothing to watch on TV, the remote should instantly switch to ESPN until you find something more suitable to your viewing pleasure. I get it…some guys aren’t that interested in sports, but take one for the team for goodness sake…don’t make things uncomfortable for the rest of us guys when we are trying to find common ground with you at a party by your lack of sports knowledge. ***Very Important*** don’t get schooled by a girl who knows more about sports than you…not cool man!

#2 Drinks- It is of the utmost importance to not be caught in front of strangers with a “girly” drink. If you can’t think of a “manly” drink to order, just go with a beer…any beer. You can’t be drinking a Pina Colada in front of new friends unless you are at the beach or poolside…and then it depends on what the rest of the group is drinking…just play it safe and have a beer…any beer. The beauty of a beer is that if you’re liquor knowledge is “suspect”; you can always say “I’m not a big liquor drinker, but I’ll have a beer”.

#3 Home Repair (only a little knowledge is required) - I would like to say that I have more knowledge in this area, but if I’m being honest, my home repair skills are lacking. However, I have learned enough to sound like I know what I’m talking about, which is very important. I know when to chime in and when to play stupid. I also know what most tools are (that helps).  As a guy, we constantly run the risk of saying something just to sound manly, that makes us actually sound the furthest thing from manly. So here’s the deal…if another guy is talking about his current home improvement project, raise your eyebrows and say “wow” or “that sounds like a lot of work” or “better you than me”…any random cliché to allow them to keep talking. NEVER offer your help if you don’t know what you’re doing.

#4 Geography- For me, this goes hand in hand with sports knowledge. Any time somebody tells you where they are from, you should know a little something about the area and which sports teams are from or around there. Geographic knowledge will especially help you with new people and help you find common ground quickly. For example, “I’m from the Cleveland area”…your response should be. “Great area, it would be nice if the Browns and Indians could get it together”. That will buy you at least 5 more minutes of conversation and most likely 10. The best part is you won’t even have to say much because the other guy will do most of the talking since it’s his team. Just nod and agree.

#5 Music Knowledge- Everybody listens to some type of music, but your scope should be broad when it comes to talking music with other guys. The tricky thing is, knowing enough to fit in with any crowd of dudes. That means you need to know at the very least the legends (Beatles, Hendrix, Stones etc.). I’m not saying you need to be able to sing their songs, but if somebody says John Lennon’s name, you better know who he is and that he’s dead. If you’re not very well versed in music, it is very important to mention some obscure bands that only you might know so that you appear smarter than you are. For example, “Lately, I’ve been more into bands like Medeski, Martin and Wood…kind of a fusion vibe”. That will keep the other guys from asking you too many music questions for fear that you know more than them. If you get caught though…take a big ol’ drink of that beer and head for a refill. Hopefully by the time you get back to the conversation it’s about something more in your wheelhouse.

So that’s it…my thoughts on Mr. Sensitive…What are yours?

Leave a comment down below.

Thanks for stopping by! 

KC