Hey...Nice Status!

Oh the weekends...how we love you so!

So get this...I was driving to lunch today and saw a bunch of people rushing out of their cars, and running over to the intersection I was heading to...Apparently this dude got hit by a car while riding his bike...He was laid out when I drove by (obvious statement, I know!) and all of the people were freaking out...There was no ambulance or police there yet, so it must have just happened...I was in a little bit of a hurry, so of course in my mind I was thinking "OK rubber-neckers...get moving...I know you want to see a mangled man in the street, but I have shit to do...get going already"...either way I hope he is okay and thankfully I got there before the traffic got too backed up :) I hope the guy isn't roadkill...I'll tell you what though, his bike was a mess...he's gonna need a new Schwinn for sure (if he can ever ride a bike again).

So this morning I was thinking...again in the shower (it's either there, or on the can that I do the most thinking)...And by the way, I did have a very off the wall thought on the can one day...Here it is...The majority of people nowadays are pretty tech savvy and from what I can see on the social networking sites...mostly facebook (that's the only one I really use)...a lot of people update their profiles or do status updates from their cell phones right?...Well I wonder how much people use their cell phones like a newspaper when they are taking a crap? Or better yet...How many people are actually updating their status while they are on the pot? I suspect a lot...and if that's the case, I wish they would be truthful about their updates and say "I'm on the can right now updating my status"...Wouldn't that be refreshing?...an honest update...I mean we're tired of knowing what everybody's having for dinner right?...I'm guilty of posting my dinners too...Why do we do that? Is it because we have nothing else to update with? It's like facebook small talk (like talking about the weather in real life...because facebook isn't real life...right?...or is it? :))...So, here's a question to ponder and I just thought of it...What would your status updates be if they were constantly in lights over your head everywhere you went? If I were walking down the street right now in lights over my head would be (and this is really my current status) "Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow...Everybody needs a bosom"...That would look a little weird (it happens to be a lyric from a song that I heard at work, for those who don't know)...People would think I was a total weirdo if that were over my head...But I'm just a regular dude...I'm not too weird...Not according to my status though...I'm a FREAK...people would tell their kids to stay away from me :)...Thankfully it's our friends on facebook and they know us well enough to know it's a joke (I hope)..How about going on a job interview with your status over your head that says "Can't wait to be out this bitch yo" (that's an actual one from right now...and I love it), but imagine if that's what was over your head in lights...Every morning we would look in the mirror and say "oh I'm having a bad status day :), but I'm too lazy to change it"...So people would walk around with old statuses (is that even right?...statuses?) that said things like..."TGIF" on Wednesdays...or "Lasagna for Dinner" and people would comment on them saying "Wow Bill you've had lasagna a lot this week"..."I know, I guess I should change that...haha"...AND what if the comments that people left on your updates were written on your back so people behind you in line at the supermarket could read them...OK I'm rambling on...this isn't even what I wanted to blog about today, but it is what it is...Have a great weekend!

See Ya'll....KC

The Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction is alive and well and I am still amazed by it...About 6 or 7 years ago, I read the book The Secret and I bought it today for a cousin of mine. I started thumbing through it again and man is it a good book...If you haven't read it, it's about the Law of Attraction and how whatever you think about and can see happening in your mind is exactly what will happen...For example, it says that if you are always afraid of getting sick, then you will ultimately get sick because that is what you think about all of the time...Or if you are always afraid of losing all of your money, ultimately you will lose all of your money because it is what you think about. On the contrary, if you always believe that you will have much success and much happiness, then that is what you will get in return! I can't tell you how much I believe in the Law of Attraction...The day I started this blog, I made a conscious decision to change the way I thought about my job...remember?...I decided to make the best of the situations I was presented with and start every day with a positive attitude...Well, today we have put our 8th home under contract for the month of September which is more than we have done all year (in a single month)...We made the Re/Max Carolinas Region top 100 teams list for the first time ever and are poised to start off October with a quick start...All because of the Law of Attraction...You are what you think about all day! So let's think great thoughts and make every day fantastic!

Quick Updates:

If you read the post about my cousin (bad facebook friends) who was having issues...I've been in contact with them and they are doing real good..I'm actually sending The Secret to them tomorrow...so that's good news!

Teacher Snack day was a success and I'm glad it's over...I happened to get a message from a friend of mine who I've known since elementary school...She is a teacher and for the record, was against teacher snack day...BUT, when I got the message I thought...I wouldn't mind bringing muffins for her or any other of my teacher friends, so why should I mind taking them to the teachers that are spending all day with my son?...So I actually baked blueberry muffins from scratch just because I had too much poison in my mind about teacher snack day...So I made them from the heart and took absolutely no credit for them...I didn't even put our name on the tray because I figured a good gesture is better if nobody takes credit for it (even though I'm taking credit for it now :)).

See Ya'll....KC

Oldies but Goodies...Already?

I realized as I was looking at some of my past blogs that they are pretty long...probably a little too long and I'm going to try and shorten them a little bit for you all...as a matter of fact, this one is going to be real short, but I do have something on my mind...

As I was driving home from work today, I pulled up next to a couple of 17 or 18 yr old  kids and I could hear the bass from their car stereo going "Boom Boom Boom" and practically rattling my truck...Now 15 years ago, I was them so it doesn't bother me at all, but what does bother me is how shitty the new music is (at least what's on the radio)...I think I'm officially old now (I'm imagining myself as a granny saying "I just don't understand these kids nowadays and their boom boom music)...I guess I just can't relate anymore...The lyrics don't hit home for me like some songs used to and the worst part is, I know they weren't meant for me, they were meant for the younger kids (which I am sadly not a part of anymore)...Although, I'm not sure I would want to be stuck in this musical generation...think of how many great bands came out in the 90's (when I was in high school)...Bands like Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Rage Against the Machine (there are so many that I should stop here before this becomes a list of great bands)...Even the rappers were "legit" back then...and now the new generation gets to say they grew up listening to Lady Gaga and Jason DeRulo?...That's a damn shame!...I'm sure they'll be saying the same thing in 15 years though...It's funny that I used to be in the rap music scene...hell I was even a rapper, and now, I can't even stand to listen to rap at all...I actually have a hard time listening to any of the new music not just rap...Don't get me wrong, if I'm out at the bar or at a party and some "boom boom" music comes on I'm cool with it, but when I'm alone...forget it...And here's my biggest problem...I don't know who can really sing anymore? Because it seems like every song that I hear on the "pop" and "hip hop" stations have what they call an auto tune effect on their voices which sounds like computers singing...The auto tune can take any sound and automatically tune it to any musical note you want for instance... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIoG4PlEPtY

Now that's a perfect example of how to make a song out of nothing...

how about this one...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rqzjry_adxA&feature=feedrec

See, you don't need talent to be a musician today...just get auto tune and start recording!

However, there are still some bands out there that are relevant...Phoenix for instance is unbelievably talented and original, so I suggest you check them out if you haven't already...as well as The Script and The Fray...Basically the people who are playing instruments are about the only ones you can trust now (not all though)...be careful out there...Don't get fooled by auto tune!

That's all I've got tonight!

See Ya'll...KC

Snack Day and the PTA

My wife and I have one prized possession in the world and it happens to be our son...We think he is smart, handsome, funny...all of that good stuff that people say about their kids...With that being said, we don't feel the need to broadcast his accomplishments to the whole world like a lot of parents do...Now, I'm not saying that its a bad thing to broadcast those things, I'm simply saying that I feel like nobody cares if my son is on the honor roll except for us and MAYBE some select family members, but that is it...Nobody cares if he plays sports except for us and nobody cares where he goes to school except for us...That's why we choose not to broadcast his life to the world with bumper stickers and magnets...Again, not a bad thing...just not for us...as a matter of fact, one of the reasons I don't want a magnet with his school name on my car is that I don't want to be at the grocery store and have another parent from that school strike up a meaningless conversation with me in the parking lot (I know it sounds bad, but it's true :))...We have just never been the kind of people to be that involved...don't get me wrong, we are involved, but not overly...We will show up for parent/teacher conferences and school plays (only if he's in it), or sporting events (if he's in it), but I'm not trying to go to family movie night at the school when I can take him to the movie theater and there's no pressure for small talk...and I sure as hell ain't wearing the school socks that they tried to sell us in the first week of school...I can't even think of a kid who would want to wear school socks let alone the parents...they should be ashamed of themselves trying to sell us some bullshit like that :)

When we grew up, our parents were the same way as we are (pretty much)...they would come to our games and events, but they didn't over-do it and I am so thankful for that. My mom was not in the PTA or PTO or whatever they call it now and dads weren't even expected to be involved at all (those were the days:))...and I realize now exactly why they didn't get too involved...BECAUSE IT'S TOO MUCH TO KEEP UP WITH and TOO TIME CONSUMING! You'll miss out on your kid's whole life just trying to keep up with all the shit that they get could involved with...Again, just my opinion...I'm not trying to start any debates here...I know when it comes to kids, everybody has their own way of doing things.

When we signed our son up for his school, they asked for an email address on the contact info sheet...My wife and I have one joint email account for work that both of us can send and receive from...this was the email address we used, figuring that if the teacher or office needed to get a hold of us they could always reach one of us...Also, any school info would come to us both and we would both be "in the loop"...Little did I know that when we did that, I would be thrown into an endless pit of bullshit emails and "play date/PTA" hell...I kid you not, I get at least 5 emails a day either from his school or Moms of other kids wanting something...usually time or money...And I'd be an asshole if I ask to get off the list right? Then I'd be labeled a bad dad who doesn't care...But really, I think deep down, 75% of the parents just want to be left alone and it's the other 25% who have nothing better to do than be overly involved in planning their kid's lives and the lives of other kids that make it hell on the rest of us (and make us look bad)...I just imagine all of the stay-at-home Moms (no offense here at all...I happen to think being a stay at home mom is the hardest job in the world...as a matter of fact, I would pull my hair out and be hooked on prescription pills if I had to stay at home all day with kids)...But, I think they have too much time on their hands and when the babies are napping, they start planning shit for the rest of us...Here is the newest event that we are expected to be involved in...This Wednesday is Teacher Snack Day (the word snack drives me crazy, by the way)...So it is the job of the Kindergarten parents to provide snacks for the teachers...WHAT?...We are three weeks into the school year and somehow we have to provide "snacks" for the teachers...I think that's crap...They do a good job and I appreciate their hard work, but I don't feel like I need to provide them with snacks...The principal (their boss) should provide snacks...Actually, who the hell needs a "snack" day anyway? If I'm a teacher, I'm thinking "Wow, that's lame...snack day? How about whiskey day for dealing with your brats from 8 til 3?"...The way I see it is we already provide tuition, which provides their paycheck, which in turn provides them with snacks at their home (and liquor)...I don't ever remember our customers banning together to have "Realtor Appreciation Day" and getting snacks for us...So Mr. Principal...Step it up!

So, we get the email from one of the other "better" parents that says The Teacher/Staff Appreciation Committee (see, too much time on their hands, they have committees for everything now) is sponsoring this "snack day" and here are some suggestions of what we should bring...blah blah blah...I can't even read these emails any longer, they make me sick :)...So, my wife signs us up for muffins...which is hilarious, because I know damn well she ain't baking any muffins...at best, we'll make a last minute trip to Costco and buy a pallet of 200 or so assorted muffins...she should have just said we'll bring water...now that we can handle...we could fill up some old 2 liter bottles and bring a Styrofoam cooler of ice with plastic cups...that's a little more up our alley...muffins? not so much! So all of the other parents respond to the email as well, but not just to the sender...they reply to all of us...so now, not only do I have to read about the snack day, but also what EVERY other parent is planning to bring...and I can hear their voices saying "we'll make a casserole", "we're bringing croissants (probably in a french accent...to sound cool and refined)" and "we'll bring bagels and cream cheese"...We got 15 responses back on what everyone was bringing...torture! And I can't blame everybody for responding to "all"...whoever did it first set the standard, the rest of us were pressured into it...But here's the kicker...this weekend, the planner for the whole thing sends out a new email that says..."Just a reminder...blah blah blah...so far we have four people bringing (a list of four things)...so there is still plenty of opportunity to get involved"...I wanted to throw my computer through a wall...ONLY FOUR RESPONSES? I have fifteen still in my inbox (I never delete things from my inbox)...what kind of planner is this?...I told my wife, "you know what's coming next...fifteen more emails correcting her"...sure as shit, my email started going off...I could just imagine the old AOL guy saying "you've got mail", "you've got mail", "you've got mail" and after about the sixth one saying "Hey asshole...you've got mail...if this is the freakin' school people again I'm gonna reboot with a virus and shut this shit down!"...It was murder reading those emails again...The only thing is that I was hoping for somebody to try and claim what another parent had already committed to and start an email battle...Could you imagine..."Oh no that bitch didn't say she's bringing croissants...I already got the buttermilk and flour and I'm not backing down" (I don't know if croissants are made of buttermilk and flour, but it sounds about right)...now, those emails I could handle...I wish someone would have claimed muffins though, because I really have a feeling that they are expecting more along the lines of the "homemade" variet than the Costco brand mega muffins...they seem pretty serious about snack day...I'll probably be baking tomorrow night :)


See Ya'll (spell check is saying ya'll is spelled "y'all" and I kind of agree (due to what an apostrophe means), but I've been living down here for over a year now and it is definitely ya'll)...KC

Bob Meet Bill...Part 2

So we get to the hotel and step out of the truck with our luggage and a cooler full of beer. We proceed to the front desk to check in. Bob had made reservations on priceline.com because they had the cheapest rates and he is always looking for a deal...as a matter of fact on another trip to Myrtle Beach he printed out coupons for free cover charge at a bar called Studebakers which happened to be a swing dancing club for 60-75 year olds...so he is notoriously cheap (if he reads this...that statement will surely bother him :))...So back to the front desk...we have 2 rooms reserved...I am going to stay in a room with Bill and Melvin and Bob will be staying in another...Luckily, I was the first one up to the counter and the lady says to me "You have a reservation for one king size bed"...I said "Well, there are two dudes staying in the room who aren't gay, so I'm going to need 2 twin beds if that's possible"...She says "You're in luck, I have one double room left!"...This was magic to my ears, because now not only do Bill and I have separate beds, but I know that will leave Melvin and Bob with one bed to share...No matter what Bob tried to do or say, he could not get a double room...He tried like hell, but was told that there was an Anime convention in town and all of the rooms were booked solid...Anime, by the way, is Japanese animation and apparently these cartoons are full of ninjas, sword fighters and all kinds of fantasy characters...Not really my thing, but the people occupying the hotel seemed to love it. There were all kinds of kids and adults dressed up like wizards and warlocks in the lobby and I remember one guy yelling "Morpheus!"...I have to be honest, I hated all of them, but they were very entertaining!

So as we are heading up to the room a guy stops Bob and says "Hey man, how did you get your cooler in here? They told me you could only bring in a cooler if it had Medicine." Bob's reply was classic he said "Yeah, that's what I have in here...meat and medicine!" Meanwhile his leg is still swelling up, so I'm sure the guy bought it...I actually thought for a minute that Bob would try and get out of the ballgame because of his shin, but he didn't. So once we get settled into the rooms we showered and headed to the elevators to go to dinner...at this point we've been drinking a little bit and were feeling pretty good, so we get in the elevator with a family of four and push the lobby button and start heading down...The elevator stops at about the fifth floor and the door opens...standing before us is a 16 or 17 year old girl in a full spandex "get up" with a cape and a sword with her face painted as some kind of Japanese cat...she gets in the elevator with us and it is silent for about 5 seconds until Melvin can't take it anymore...He starts laughing to himself (you know the grunting noise that your nose make when you are trying to hold in a laugh but can't)...His face is beet red and his eyes are watering when finally, the rest of us lose it...This poor cat girl had to ride down five floors being absolutely mocked by four dudes who had been drinking all afternoon. It was a priceless moment for us, but I'm sure it felt like an eternity for her...She needed to get to Morpheus quickly!

So we eat and go to the ballgame and for some reason my buddy Jason calls me in about the third inning and tells me that "Rod Stewart died"...I said "Are you sure? Rod Stewart?"...He assured me it was Rod Stewart, so I proceeded to let everybody in our section know that Rod Stewart was dead...I didn't actually tell everybody, but I kept saying it loud enough so that everybody heard...I wanted to be known  as the guy with the breaking news (you've all done it too...there's something cool about delivering shocking news and you want the credit for it...it's natural :))...So it's pretty well known that Rod Stewart is dead in Cincinnati! UNTIL...One inning later when Jason calls me back and says "I made a mistake it was some other Stewart"...Great, now I get to be the guy who breaks false news stories...So I didn't say a word, I just let it go and everybody still thought he was dead (Hey, I have a reputation to protect...it had been a rough day and I ain't goin' out as a liar :))...Anyway, about the fifth inning we decide to walk around the ball park and while we're doing that we spot a boat in the river behind the stadium that looks like a Riverboat Casino...Well that was enough to leave the game for, except after we leave we find out that it is not a casino it's just a big ass boat! At this point though, we had casino on the brain and asked a cab driver if there was one near by...He says "Yeah, about 15 minutes up the freeway"..."Can you take us there?"..."Yeah, climb in"...So we get in the minivan cab and start driving and driving and driving...When we see the "Welcome to Kentucky" sign we all look at each other and decide it's time to ask the cab driver if we are still in fact going to the casino...He says "It's just across the state line into Indiana"..."So we're going two states away to the casino?"..."Yeah it's only a few minutes from here"...We were in that cab for at least 35-40 minutes and finally pulled into the casino parking lot in this shady little town called Lawrenceburg, Indiana...I can't even remember how much the ride cost us, but it wasn't cheap...So we go to the casino, but in the back of my mind I'm wondering "Who the hell is going to drive us back to Ohio when we want to leave?"...We'll deal with that later!

So we gamble a little bit and decide we should head to a local bar :)...Bill says he's going to stay behind at the casino because he wanted to win some money and we tell him we won't be long...So we start walking down the street and it's basically a shitty little neighborhood full of beat up ranch style homes with falling down fences and ratty cars in the driveways, and they decided to put a casino and some random hole in the wall bars and one strip club smack dab in the middle of it! (that is way too long of a sentence...so much for grammar)...So we're walking down the street toward the highway where there are supposedly a couple of bars...one gentleman's club (no gentleman were in this joint) and another local shit-hole bar! We're walking and walking and can't find these bars, so we see an old movie theater and I decide to stop in and ask for directions...Sitting in the ticket window is a ninety year old guy and his old buddy...At this point I'm debating to even ask where the strip club is because I'm too embarrassed with him being ninety and all, but I'm committed to the cause so I say "Excuse me sir, do you know how to get to the strip club from here?"...He can't hear well (of course, right? he's frickin ninety...he thinks I want tickets to the movies and he really can't hear me through the glass)...So I say it louder "DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET TO THE STRIP CLUB?"...He comes from out of the ticket booth and gives me the "one more time" look where you lift your eyebrows and look closer at somebody...So I ask again and he knows exactly how to get there...The old perv probably went there every night...He says its called "Concepts Showgirls" and it's down the street and when you get to the highway make a right, it's a block down...So we do and there it is...Melvin and I proceed to enter while Bob goes into the bar across the street...For the record, Concepts Showgirls should be renamed to Concepts Show Horses, because there were some nasty chicks up in that place...BUT there are two dollar beers and we figured at that price...gross boobs are better than no boobs at all...so we start drinking...The way this place was set up was with two sections...one with a pool table and chairs all around it (apparently that was the VIP section) and then there was the stage area which had about ten folding chairs around a 10x7 wood platform for a stage...So we sat there...The beers kept flowing and the horses kept prancing around...I actually almost got kicked in the face by one of the dancers clear-soled hooker boots (that's how close the seats were to the stage)...Melvin and I were having a really good time, laughing and thoroughly enjoying ourselves until one of the dancers comes too close and (EXPLICIT WARNING HERE) I get a wiff of poop!!! Now, I'm not a perfectionist and I know this place ain't an upscale club, but a wiff of poo was a little too much..."Can we cash out please?"...We call Bob and meet him on Elm street to walk back to the Casino to get Bill and get the hell out of Lawrenceburg...At this point it was 1:00 AM (ish)!

We start walking back to the Hollywood Casino and we hear "WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF" and a lady yelling "CAESAR!!! CAESAR!!! CAESAR!!!"...Guess who was attacking Bob's bad leg...You guessed it...Caesar the dog...It was so dark out, that I can't even tell you what kind of dog Caesar was, but he was not messing around! He kept barking and attacking while Bob tried to run and jump out of the way...I happened to be on the phone with my wife when Caesar attacked and she said "Who is screaming? Where are You?"...I said "Bob is getting attacked by a dog, we are walking down a street in Indiana heading back to the Casino from the strip club." She says "Why are you going to the casino now?"..."Honey. it's a long story, but Bill is still there and we need to figure out how to get back to Ohio" (this must have sounded crazy to her, but it was all true:))...So the woman gets Caesar under control and Bob is thankfully not mauled to death...We finally get back to the casino after a fifteen minute walk.

We meet back up with Bill and decide it's time to figure out how to get back to Cincy...So we head to the cab station outside...The guy working there says he will call a cab for us and they should be here within twenty minutes...so we hang out by the doors of the casino waiting for the cab...twenty minutes goes by, then thirty, then forty and we ask the guy again at the cab stand...he says they are on the way...It's about 2AM at this point and we are really ready to get the hell out of there...It's been a real long day! Right about then, a bus full of old people pulls up...It was one of those tour buses that takes old people on casino trips every weekend...All of the old bagels get off the bus and we decide to ask the driver if he would be willing to drive us back to the hotel...He says "Nope, can't do it"...So we are waiting and waiting for this frickin' cab to come and we see the tour bus driver mosey on over to us...He says (he's black so use whatever black accent you use when reading) "Ya'll still need to get back to Cincinnata? (yes he said Cincinnata with an a)"...We tell him we do and he asks how much we would pay him?...We agree on $50 a man and we board the tour bus...He didn't care that all of the old people's belongings were still on the bus or anything, he just wanted to make a quick $200 and he did...We drove on this bus for a good hour getting back to the hotel and we loved every minute of it...After the long day we had...We deserved it!!! So Bill and I headed up to the room and Melvin and Bob cozied up to each other in their king sized bed and we had a good night's sleep (they claim they put a pillow between them, but I suspect there was some spooning going on)!

One of the greatest days of my life!!!

The rest of the trip was highly un-eventful compared to this day...Thank goodness!

THE END

See Ya'll tomorrow when I need to rant about the Fu**in PTA parents :)...KC

Bob meet Bill...Part 1

I said to my son today "I'm having trouble coming up with something to blog about...any ideas?" His response was "How about Mommy's garlic breath?"...We both cracked up and I told him "I've already written about that any other ideas?" and he had nothing...So here I sit in my upstairs office with nothing to blog about...until...Nope still nothing...I have a serious case of writer's block and I'm hoping by typing nonsense that it will go away...I guess I'll tell you a story...Not many people know this story and the names will be withheld for protection of the parties involved...

About 5 or 6 years ago, some friends and I decided to take a weekend road trip to of all places Cincinnati, Ohio (tell me about it...LAME)...we had a plan though...Cincy for 1 long day, then drive to Pittsburgh for 2 days and then back to Detroit...Here was the itinerary...(Friday) Drive straight to the golf course and play 18 holes, then head to the hotel for dinner and head over to the baseball park for the Cincinnati Reds game against the Washington Nationals...The next morning (Saturday), load up the truck...drive to the hotel in Pittsburgh...walk over to the PNC Park to watch the Pirates play whoever they were playing that night and the next day (Sunday) golf early in the morning and drive home directly after...The end of the trip went well...It was the beginning that didn't go quite as planned...This is the story of a 4 man stadium tour gone bad, but oh so good...

Three of us met up at my house early on that Friday morning and did a quick shot of apple pucker (I know...it's not the most manly shot in the world, but it was like 6:00 am and it was all we could handle right then)...We headed out and picked up the fourth member of the group...Now, I knew everybody that was going and so did my one friend...the other two had never met each other...so after a quick introduction we were on our way...We decided to separate the two that had never met, figuring it would make for easier conversation on the road...So one rode shotgun and the other rode in the back (this is really hard without names)...Let's just use aliases...I'm still Kevin and I'm driving...Melvin is riding in the back with Bill...and Bob is riding shotgun...Bill and Bob have never met...Me and Melvin know everybody...(Ok that's a little easier)...Just for the record, at the time, Melvin smoked a lot of pot...that will be an issue later :)

So off we go...music is playing everybody is having a great time, the weather is awesome and we are all trash talking each other about the upcoming golf match...Life is Good! So Melvin says "Hey I have this sweet radar detector that you should use" and he gets it out for me...I have to back up for one second...before we left, he smoked some pot in the backyard...Ok, back to the story...I plug in the radar detector and he tells me that it is the best one on the market and there is no way a cop can catch you speeding...unless they are pacing you (let me say that again UNLESS THEY ARE PACING YOU)...So in to Ohio we go with a truck full of golf clubs and a cooler full of beer that Bob was drinking in the front seat (surprisingly, this was not an issue...however, it would have been if more pressing issues didn't arise...the plot will thicken)...I can remember this moment as clear as day...I look in the rearview mirror and all I see is a white semi-truck with orange trim, so I speed up to about 87mph...about three minutes later, I look in the rearview again and I still see the white semi-truck, but this time in front of him and directly behind me was an Ohio State Trooper logo on the front end of a Ford Crown Victoria with it's lights flashing and sirens blaring...I slide over to the right lane figuring that I'll just get out of his way and let him pass to get whatever bad guy is up the road...After all, we had the most bad ass radar detector in the land and there is no way he could be there for us...So I switch lanes and so does he...Ok, no problem right? I'll just pull off the road, get a quick speeding ticket, I'll apologize and we'll be on our way...it's about 10:30 am at this point and our tee time is at 12:30(ish)...we won't even be late for that...I'm confident that the situation will go smoothly...UNTIL...I start smelling burning pot in the car! (I had just finished telling Bob and Bill a story about another road trip where Melvin started eating weed when we got pulled over, so I couldn't believe what was happening)...As the officer approached the car I looked back and Melvin had opened up his cigarette pack was eating the roach that he had stored in it, from the joint he had smoked before we left!! The truck absolutely reeked of weed...(Are you kidding me? We just went over this...There was absolutely no reason for him to be eating the pot right now...all we were getting pulled over for was speeding!)

"License and registration please...AND can you please step out of the vehicle"...Now I know damn well that you don't get asked to get out of the vehicle for a speeding ticket...I was hoping this was about the beer cans on Bob's side, but it wasn't...The officer escorted me back to the squad car and says "I smell pot in your vehicle...Is there any marijuana in your vehicle?"..."Not that I know of officer"..."Kevin, I'm going to read you your rights and you don't have to say one word, but after I read you your rights I'm going to ask you one more time...<insert Miranda Rights>...now, do you have any marijuana in your vehicle?"..."Officer, I don't think so"..."Last time Mr. Caul and if you tell me no and I find some, you are going to jail for the weekend...is there any marijuana in your vehicle?"..."Honestly officer, there might be, but I'm not sure"...Ok, here is the thing...I knew damn well that there was more pot in the car...but I was doing my best to protect Melvin...I tried like hell, but when he said I was going to jail I figured I would lighten up a bit and hope for the best...So I watch him walk back to the truck...He asks Bob "Do you have any Marijuana?"..."No sir, I do not" (poor Bob, he wasn't ready for all of this)...He asks Bill "Do you have any marijuana?"...No sir, I don't smoke it (Bill was bummed out)...This shit was getting serious, all over a little roach...Meanwhile there are 3 or 4 empty beer cans on the passenger floor that nobody even cares about...So the officer ask Melvin, "Do you have any Marijuana?" and I see the driver's side rear door open up...I'm watching all of this from the back of the squad car and I see Melvin and the officer walk to the back of the truck,  open up the tailgate and get his suitcase out...The funniest thing about it was that one of my golf shirts fell out of the tailgate and Melvin stopped everything to pick it up and hang it back up for me...A true friend...So he eventually opens his suitcase and pulls out a ziploc bag with 7 rolled joints...I'm thinking "Holy shit! We're going to jail this weekend...How do I explain this to my wife?"...So here comes Melvin with the officer and he joins me in the back of the cop car...We look at each other and immediately start laughing...Melvin says "Kev...we've been through a whole lot of things together, but this is the first time we've ever been in the back of a cop car together"...I agreed and we gave each other a "low five"...we had to do a "low five" because we didn't want the cop to see us "high five" (I'm not sure why we thought the situation was so cool, but I think deep down we knew we were just some all around good guys going on a golf trip with a little pot)...So, the pig officer was back at the truck by this time and another squad car had pulled up behind us...We watched the officer escort Bob and Bill to the back of the other car and I say to Melvin "The best part is that they just met each other and now they're in the back of a cop car together" we both lost it and started laughing pretty hard again! So both cops are going through the truck looking for more drugs and of course they don't find any so the initial officer makes his way back to the squad car and sits down to run our IDs...Melvin says "So what's going to happen officer? We have a 12:30 tee time are we still going to make it?"...It was all I could do at this point to not burst out laughing...and the officer says "Where are you playing?"...we tell him and he says "It shouldn't be a problem, luckily you had all of the pot rolled up so we can only charge you with a misdemeanor...you'll have to follow us (meaning him and Melvin) to the gas station to get a money order to pay the fine and you'll be on your way"...WOW! We were getting off with only a misdemeanor for Melvin and a speeding ticket for me...No mention of the beer cans and we were still going to make the tee time!

So we follow him and Melvin and pay the fine...AND make it to the golf course in time to tee off...Golf was pretty uneventful until the 17th hole when a tornado blew into town and blew us right off of the course...We got completely soaked...So we rushed into the clubhouse and all dried off before heading to the hotel...While Bob was still in the clubhouse, Me, Bill and Melvin run out into the downpour to get the truck and pull up pretty close to the door and wait for Bob...We see the clubhouse door open and watch Bob come running full speed at the truck and then he disappears and we hear a big thump against the truck...about 5 seconds later up pops Bob from under the truck and he climbs in the passenger side...He says "I banged my shin on your running boards and it's really sore and swollen...I'm on blood thinners man, this could be real bad"...Now, I'm thinking...Perfect, we almost go to jail, get caught in a tornado and now we might have to rush Bob to the hospital because his shin literally looks like it has a tennis ball growing in it!...Bob tells us it should be cool so just head to the hotel...So we do...

Part 2 Tomorrow...Believe me there's more!

See Ya'll...KC

Just Wok Away, Kev!

My wife is currently working on a deal to sell a home and the buyer happens to be another real estate agent...An asian one at that...Not that being asian is a bad thing, but they are not always the best people to negotiate with and they are way too bossy...So get this, without getting too into detail, he sent an email yesterday at 7:30 pm and my wife didn't respond right away figuring it was after hours and she'll deal with the pain in the ass later...At 1:35 am our home phone rings (we use it as an office phone too)...Naturally, I am not rushing out of bed at 1:35 to answer it...So our machine picks up and the caller doesn't leave a message...The phone rings again...at this point I'm still not committed to getting out of bed...the machine picks up again...no message...Phone rings again...At this point I'm thinking "uh oh, somebody is dead, seriously injured or in jail"...So I jump out of bed and head downstairs to the office...I don't make it in time to answer...The machine picks up...No message...The phone rings again and I answer..."Hello"...and this little frickin asian asshole voice says "Is a Teeena there?" like it's 2 in the afternoon...I say "Are you frickin' kidding me right now?"..."No, I need to speak a with a Teeena"..."At 2 in the morning are you crazy? Who is this?" (I knew damn well who it was, because when I got out of bed Tina said I bet its the Fu**in asian guy)...He says "I am a client of hers"...I ask him "Why the hell would you call her at 2 in the morning?...she is sleeping and there is no way I'm waking her up for you!"...He hangs up with no apology or anything...I couldn't believe it...this S.O.B. just woke me up and got my blood going so much that there was no way I could even think of falling back asleep...When I went back to bed my wife asked who it was and when I told her she started laughing to the point where she couldn't breathe...I didn't think it was quite so funny, but we were both blown away that this little Bruce Lee would have the balls to call our home at practically 2:00 am...I am looking at our caller ID right now and he called at 10:23, 10:24, 10:28, 10:33, 1:36, 1:37, 1:38 and 1:39...So I debated for an hour and a half last night on how to pay him back...here were my options at the time...it started out with...I could post his phone number on facebook and have his phone ring off the hook (I still may do that)...I could call him every night at 2:00 am just for fun...(here's where things progressed a little)...I thought about throwing a brick through his car window (I was mad)...I even imagined him coming to our front door and me threatening him with a bread knife (seriously...I started thinking about jabbing him with the sharp points on the front of the knife and holding the serrated edge to his neck...hey, it was 2 in the morning, my imagination was running wild...cut me some slack :))...I even thought that he might know karate and he would get the knife from me somehow...talk about stereotypes...I know I should let it go, but the fact that he is asian makes me want to keep it going...I know that sounds horrible and I have some asian friends (not many, but some...ok I can think of one...and a couple phillipinos...yes I know they're asian, but I'm thinking chinese when I say asian)...Isn't it funny that when you make a racist comment that you follow it up with "I have <insert race> friends"...I don't know what it is about the damn chinese, they bum me out a little bit...If any of you are asian I apologize, but this dude got my blood going...I'm sure you are not all like him...I should stop while I'm ahead...This one blog will keep me from ever running for public office :)

I can see it now:

Reporter: "So Candidate Caul, you say you are for the people...meanwhile you blog about asians referring to them as Bruce Lee(s)...and stabbing them with bread knives...How do you explain that?"

Me: "Well, I uhhh...uhhh...ummmm" (in the voice of Beavis and Butthead)!!

Chinese Crowd: "GET HIM...ding dong ding dong...ching-a-ling a ling long"

(Oh this could be trouble...It's been nice knowing you all...Hey, I've said it before, this blog is an open book...raw kevin tonight :))

I had another thought today...and I'm sure we've all been in this situation before...When a subject comes up that you care absolutely nothing about, but the person you are with cares an awful lot about it...and they start explaining it to you in depth...How do you tell them to politely shut up and leave because I don't care what you are saying?...I can't tell you how much this happens to me...and maybe it's my fault for being a little self-centered, but I don't want to waste my time listening to some crap that I would pay you to not tell me about...I'm serious, there are times that I would pull out a twenty dollar bill to have somebody stop talking to me...kind of like this blog...haha...you can send me a check and I'll stop right away :) But honestly, I can tell when a person that I am talking to isn't really paying attention...as soon as I realize it, I speed up the story to ultra light speed and let them off the hook...That's the polite thing to do! I don't want to be the guy that people say "uh oh, here comes Kevin...he talks too much about some bullshit...let's go get some coffee before he sees us"...I want to be the guy that people say "Here comes Kevin, let's see what he has to say...cuz he is straight to the point and hates to talk too much"

And while I'm on the subject of talking again, I'm never really sure of the correct body language to tell somebody that I've had enough...I try to look away...that doesn't work, especially with a "super talker"...I even try the rude "mmm hmmm" (my grandma is famous for the "mmm hmmm" move)...Nothing works for me...I'm a magnet for talkers...Maybe it's because when I see people I think to myself  "please don't talk to me...no, no, no...don't come over here...oh shit here they come...Heyyyyy, long time no see"...I get stuck a lot and I'm not rude in person, only in my mind, so they never get the hint to stop...The Caul side of my family kind of have an unspoken motto and I try to use it as my pre-closing line for conversations...It is "Hey, What are ya gonna do?" and then I give a deep breath and look away in hopes that the conversation ends...Do people know that cliches and a deep breath are the end of a conversation or is that just me?..."Six of one...Half dozen of the other...<deep breath>...See ya" or "A bird in the hand, right?...<deep breath>...and Scene". See, you don't even have to finish the cliche it should work like a charm, but not always :) I wish I could just do like my five year old...when he's had enough of a conversation he says "I'm done now...bye bye"...Oh, dealing with people...it's such a science!!

Until next time...Watch out for the talkative asians :)

See Ya'll...KC

Real Life...Real Estate...Real Funny!

Oh Dilemma...How I love thee...Allow me to introduce you to my dilemma of today...

Let me first say that this weekend was great for me...We went to a horse show, had dinner and drinks with some very cool friends, planned a camping trip and watched LOTS of football...It really doesn't get better than that for me.

I even did what I said I was going to do and deleted some of my "ratty-ass" facebook friends...But here is the dilemma...I started deleting and right off the bat I got rid of four of my notoriously negative posters and as I kept going through the list, I realized that some of the list were family members...Now how do I explain that at the next family reunion? ("Yeah, I think somebody must have hacked my account and deleted you"..."But they didn't delete so and so"..."Isn't that crazy, they only deleted you?") and what if they read the blog? I really don't know who reads this...It could be all of my negative facebook friends and family and then I'll be "outed" :) as the deleter...So I kept the family members in good standing as a precaution...BUT, the facebook Gods decided to slap me in the face when I woke up this morning...I look on my Blackberry (of course I have facebook on my phone...we have to be connected to everything nowadays...I hate to say it, but I wish there were more things I could be connected to...I wish there were webcams everywhere so I could just watch people going through their daily grind...just out of curiosity...that's pretty bad huh? But it would make good blog material :))...So again, I look on my Blackberry and see a friend request from a cousin of mine up in Detroit...There has always been something about this cousin that I have really loved...I'm not close to her by any means, but I always felt like she got dealt a shitty hand in life and doesn't really deserve it (I hate when kids aren't given a fair shot or an even playing field to be successful...she wasn't given either)...One side of my family, and I hate to say this is kind of messed up (who's isn't?)...but with 12 kids and an alcoholic dad some things were bound to be broken along the way...Luckily, my Mom was the oldest of the 12 kids and was long gone before things really got out of hand, but some of my aunts and uncles had to deal with some pretty rotten situations growing up, so I understand why things aren't perfect for everybody now...The problem is that while most of the family have all gotten their lives together and are leading successful lives, there are a couple who are not and it's their kids who are all screwed up from it...(God, I hope they aren't reading this, but I promised to be an "open book" in this blog so I hope this is open enough)...So I obviously accept her friend request and the first thing I do is go to her profile page...Status update reads...and I'm totally paraphrasing here..."Things are all screwed up, if only anybody knew how I really felt, I can't take it anymore"...But it was deeper than that and with her past issues of (and this is unconfirmed) possible suicide attempt...it has bothered me all day...So what's an out of state, long distance cousin to do? I sent her a message to call me, but I doubt she will (I don't blame her...we haven't talked in over a year and what the hell do I know about her struggles?)...So I'm torn (torn like an old sweater...an old bud light commercial reference)...Do I call her? or Have I done my due diligence by sending the message at this point?...She's at that age where she has come to the proverbial fork in the road...If she goes left it's Drugville USA...up the middle is Pregnant Town which borders Welfareville and if she goes right (yes, this is a three way fork in the road :)) there is hopefully a happier life than she has ever imagined for herself...At this point there is no hope left in her...There is absolutely nobody to guide her...I'm getting pissed of just writing this because I know what a Fu**ed up situation she has at home...Chaos! Oh What to do? I'll keep you all posted if she calls or not :)

TOTAL 360 HERE...

I went on my first real estate appointment in about 9 mos. today...Normally, I do all of the prospecting for new business on the phone and my wife does the face-to-face meeting because she is the absolute best at it...but, today I was lucky enough to meet with the most talkative lady in Raleigh...It was absolutely brutal from the jump...For those of you who read my blog about running out of words...This lady has more words than anybody I have ever met...Normally, a meeting would take about 30-45 minutes...This chick made me talk listen for 2 hours...I don't even know why I was there...She doesn't even want to sell her house...At the end of our marathon meeting she says "Thanks for sitting and listening to me all morning, I don't get to talk to many people since I've been out of work for the past 2 years"...WHAT? I wanted to say "Listen, Bitch...you just wasted two hours of my life by having me over here for nothing and my wife is gonna hate you because I'm going to the bar tonight to drink away any memories I have of you" but here's what I really said..."It was my pleasure (puke) and thank you so much for giving me an opportunity (to come and list your home that you don't want to sell). If you need anything please give me a call (I should have said text me so I don't have to use up all of my minutes) and I'll be more than happy to help"

Well, that brought a smile to my face...the blog works!!! I have actually just done what the blog was meant for...complain about work...and now it's off my chest!!

I'm not sure why, but on the subject of sales, here is a quick story from the dealership I used to work at.

I have a friend named Sugar White Mike...who is my very best friend...We've known each other since birth and have been friends ever since...At some point in life he decided to get into the same business as my brothers and I (selling cars)...I want to say this story is from 2005 (ish)...I was the Finance Manager and Mike was selling new cars at the same dealership which was totally fun...He and I were always pretty slap-happy and this day was no different...In walks a Mexican guy who spoke very broken english...His name was Mr. De Los Santos...Mike refers to every customer as Mr. or Mrs. never by a first name and he did it loudly ("MR. DE LOS SANTOS"...I can still hear him practically yelling his name)...So I still don't know what Mr. De Los Santos's first name is...He was short (go figure right?...mexican...hello?) and looked like a character from the Flintstones named "Weirdly Gruesome" who was a monster-type neighbor that moved in by the Flintstones...Mike and I found this Hilarious and I kept saying "Mike...he looks just like him" and I would pull up pictures on the internet every time Mike walked by my desk...Meanwhile, Mr. De Los Santos is one of the nicest customers we have ever had and I feel a little guilty about it, but the show must go on...After about 30 minutes of building it up, Mike sells him a car...that means that he has to bring him to my desk to talk about financing...Now at this point I know that I am not going to be able to do this with a straight face so I tell Mike to take him in the other Finance office and let "Bozi" deal with him (that was the other finance mgr.)...I know Mike too well though and he's definitely not letting me off the hook...as a matter of fact, I know he's going to make it worse by standing 15 feet behind MR. DE LOS SANTOS and make faces and laugh! So here comes Mike and Mr. De Los Santos to my desk...No exageration here...Mike and I immediately start laughing hysterically as soon as he sits down...Not just giggling, but Belly Laughing...Loud!...Mike and I have tears in our eyes and Mr. De Los Santos has no idea what is so funny...But he starts laughing too...hysterically...That makes us start laughing even harder (if that's possible)...So here we are all three with tears in our eyes...we're laughing at him...he's laughing at us...and the only thing I think to say is "Do you like football?" and We lose it again...cracking up! I think we sat there for a good five minutes laughing before we could collect ourselves enough to talk...and when I finally heard him speak, it started all over again...Not only did he look like Weirdly Gruesome...he sounded like him too...We sat for about 10 minutes laughing and got absolutely nowhere...I guess you had to be there!...Ahhhhh, the good ol' days :)...There is no point or moral to this story, but the picture below is what it looked like! Picture all of us laughing though.

See Ya'll....KC

Feelin' Kind of Friday!

I am writing this blog today on my back patio in Cary, NC in my shorts and tee shirt, no shoes and feelin' that awesome vibe that can only come on a Friday! The only bummer right now is that I'm watching my dog take a crap in the yard and I'm hoping it all goes well because I don't want to have to get the scissors out and cut dog dookie out of her hair today...oh good...it's all good (I got side-tracked watching her...but fear not...no need for the scissors)...Back to the Friday vibe...it actually started last night...at 5:30pm yesterday, my brother-in-law and I headed out to pick up some friends to go to the NC State football game...We were picking up my buddy Eric (who is the very first person I met when I moved here) and his friends from New York who just moved here last month (a really cool couple I might add).

I'll skip all of the pre-game stuff, because all we really did was go to the bar and have a couple of beers before game time! But when we got into the stadium the Friday vibe started early...Here's the thing...It was Thursday Night Football on ESPN, the place is sold out, the weather is 80 degrees, the sun is down, and there is about a 15 mph breeze blowing through the stadium keeping everything the perfect temperature. Now, I've been to plenty of sporting events in my day, but for some reason last night was special and I'm not real sure why. There was just that feeling that I was exactly where I was supposed to be at the exact time I was supposed to be there and it got me thinking of everybody who reads this blog. I really wish I could have bottled up the energy in the stadium yesterday and given some to everybody because it was that good.

So after an awesome night, here's what I was thinking today as I was getting ready to write this...As a lot of you know, my idea behind this blog was to see if I could change my rotten attitude about work and life in general by writing about it each day...I was going through a "funk" and needed to get out of it, not only for my own sake, but for my family's as well...I didn't really have a plan or know how to go about it, I just kind of started typing and if I felt like telling a story, that's what I did...and if I felt like getting something off my chest...that's what I did... for those of you who know me really well, you know that this is way out of my comfort zone...So basically, whatever I felt like saying...I said it...So here is the coolest part about this blog...I don't even feel like I need to complain about anything anymore because by changing the way I've thought for the past two weeks (and all of you reading have a huge part to do with this) I have nothing left to complain about...I'm actually enjoying work now because I've gotten rid of whatever poison was in me and I look forward to writing this every day (it's really therapeutic)...I think I did my own exorcism...and I didn't even stab myself in the crotch with a cross!

When I read the book "The Secret" (which I know sounds corny), I remember it saying that what you put out into the universe you get back ten fold (the law of attraction)...That may be the truest (is that a real word? truest?) statement ever said...you do get back what you put out...and you know where I notice that the most?...Facebook!

I know for a fact that any of us who are on Facebook have those friends on there that constantly update their status with the most depressing things in the world...How about the ones that say "Oh man today is gonna be so hard...I can't believe what's happening"...but then they don't say what's happening...I'm always tempted to click the "like" button because I know they just want everybody to ask "what's wrong?"...Don't get me wrong, I am all for somebody putting something like "Going through a tough time, please pray for me" or something to that effect, but don't fish for pity...I read one today and some of you may have seen it too since we may be mutual friends that said "Why does my brain suck" and I commented that "your brain sucks because you keep telling yourself that your brain sucks"...and that's true...I'm no psychiatrist...as a matter of fact, I could probably use one :), but I know one thing...Garbage In=Garbage Out...So here's my plan...I'm going to go on Facebook and delete all of my "friends" who continually put on negative status updates...Who needs them?...As of right now, I have 520 "friends" on Facebook...I'll let you know how many it is after I delete the "bad" ones...That should be an interesting experiment...If it's any of you...Sorry!

One of the best things about moving away from everything we ever knew was that we were able to start fresh and pick our friends much more carefully...I am by no means saying that I wouldn't LOVE to have some of our friends from Michigan here with us, but I have to say it would be the vast minority. The truth is, as we get older, a lot of the people we have associated with our whole lives wouldn't even be our friends if we had met them later in life ( I hope that comes out right, because it sounds a little harsh).

Side Thought: I was driving back from one of our listings in Raleigh today and remembered a story that one of the speakers at the "Get Motivated" seminar told us and I figured I would tell you guys and maybe you could try it. He was talking about how you react to things and how your reaction can totally change the outcome of a situation...He said when his daughter was real little and still in her car seat that one day she figured out how to un-buckle herself...So as they were driving down the freeway at 70 mph she did just that...He proceeded to yell at her and tell her that if she didn't get back in her seat she was going to be in big trouble...That didn't work...she was hell bent on staying out of the seat and was fighting him all the way...So he pulled over on the side of the road...threw the car in park and got out...as he walked around to the other side to open the back door...he stopped for a minute and said to himself "God, I'm gonna kill this little brat, what should I do?" and he said at that moment he had a thought to give her a hug...He wasn't real happy about the thought, because he wanted to strangle her at this point, but he figured he would try it...So he opened the door and looked at her and she had this look in her eyes like she was ready to battle and he simply said "Honey, give Daddy a hug"...she started crying on the spot and gave him the biggest hug she had in her...she got back in her seat with no fight at all...Now, that could have turned out completely different, but he took the time in the heat of the moment to make a better decision about how to handle it...I have used that tactic with my son at least 5 times...I even did it this morning when he complained that I didn't put enough sugar in his oatmeal :)...it works every time! Not only with kids, but everybody...I'm not suggesting you hug every Tom, Dick and Harry (that would be a little strange)...but you get the idea

I hope everybody's Friday vibe can get you through the weekend and continue on forever!

See Ya'll...KC

Stall Tactics!

I found out today that this blog has over 1000 views already...that's crazy to me...I thought there were maybe a hundred or two, but over a thousand is pretty cool...so thanks to everybody who is reading it and for those of you who are followers...I'm glad you are here!

Now on to the very important subject of the day...Public Restroom Etiquette...I know it sounds gross, but bear with me for just a minute...It's gonna be a shart, I mean short blog today :)

Here's what happened today to prompt this blog...My wife and I were at the Raleigh Convention Center downtown for a wealth management seminar to learn how to handle the wealth that we are yet to obtain. The time comes for a 15 minute break, so we head outside for some fresh air...when we come back in I tell her I'm running to the restroom and proceed to the nearest one...When I open the door, I have to immediately turn left or else I will walk into the broom closet...on my right side are three sinks and on my left side are three urinals and directly to the right of the urinals are two private stalls. Normally, if I am the only one in there, I would use the furthest urinal to the left (we'll call it urinal #1)...that would leave urinal #2 (the middle one) and #3(the far right one) as well as both private stalls available, figuring that if anybody else walks in they have 3 choices that are not directly next to me (urinal #3 and both private stalls)...Unfortunately, today there was a guy using urinal #1 and a guy using the private stall directly connected to urinal #3...so here is the dilemma...Man Law clearly states that I cannot use urinal #2 because it invades the privacy of the guy at urinal #1 (unless it is a sporting event or there is a line for the bathroom)...If I use urinal #3, I am stuck next to the private stall that is being used, which is kind of okay, except today the guy in the private stall was having major issues...heavy breathing, noises that shouldn't be coming out of anybody and smells that I can't describe (sorry, I know this is gross, but it's all I have today :))...He even had his shorts around his ankles in a puddle of water on the floor which I think is totally un-called for...If you're in a public restroom, why would you let your pants touch the floor?...You have to secure them at your knees man!...So what am I to do? I have to use urinal #3...I sure as hell ain't going in the other private stall next to the grunter...Mind you, all of this has to process in less than 3 seconds because I can't just hang out and wait for one of them to finish (then I would look like a total weirdo...and that would demote my status to a notch under "the grunter" in the eyes of guy at urinal #1)...You always want to be the normal guy in a bathroom setting...anything else is considered gay and unacceptable! So up to urinal #3 I stroll and proceed to do my business...Now, Man Law also states that there is no smiling or talking and you must stare at either the wall or the urinal mints...The only exception to those rules are if you are in there with your good friend and have at least 2 spaces between each other...You can only talk to strangers (and this is a stretch) when you are washing hands or holding the door open...which only gets a "thanks"...Back to the story...I am in mid-stream and the guy at urinal #1 starts making a noise like he is pushing out his pee too hard (again, I apologize, but there is no other way to tell it)...I assumed he has some sort of prostate issue (why?..I'm really not sure...doesn't that mess up your stream?) Anyway, what happens when you push too hard? That's right...you let out a fart...and he did...a long squeaky one...I happen to be childish and would have laughed if I had known someone else in there, but with complete strangers, I stick to the law...stare at the urinal mint...Here's the problem, he turns to me and says "Woops"..."OH NO HE DIDN'T!"...Oh Yes he did!...I didn't know how to react...I thought the guy in the private stall was having issues, but at least he wasn't breaking any man laws...this guy had blatantly broken a major rule...I'm ok with the fart (we are in the bathroom after all), but you never acknowledge it publicly...especially with a turn to your neighbor and a "woops"...it may as well have been a "woopsy daisy, nice penis" So I kept on staring at the urinal mint like any normal law abiding citizen would...but that made it more awkward...Of course we finished at the same time and had to wash our hands together...Awkward...Then he followed me up the steps to the seminar...Uncomfortable...I saw him at least 3 more times during the day and every time I had to point him out to my wife..."Hey, there's the guy that farted at me again"...The only good thing I took out of the experience was that I was the Alpha male in the bathroom today...and for that I feel completely normal and satisfied!

Totally off subject, but isn't it weird that the word "weird" breaks the "i before e" rule...food for thought :)

See Ya'll...KC

Mr. Rogers? Not Quite!

I had lunch at Pei Wei today...for those who don't know, it's a chain Chinese joint...but decent food...I think it's owned by P.F. Changs...There is a half man/half girl that works there and I really have no idea which gender they are...Long enough hair to have a ponytail, I think there is an Adam's apple, but there are also boobs (tiny ones, but still boobs)...Their voice is like a deep girl's voice or a high pitched guy's voice (I really can't do the voice justice), with a lisp!...I'm completely confused by them and have trouble looking them in the eyes...there is no name tag...and if there were a name tag it would probably be Jaime ("Jay-Mee" for a girl or "Hi Me" for a guy) which would be of no help...they are Mexican :)...I wish I had a picture and we could have a vote...that would be completely wrong, but fun :)

The he-she has nothing to do with the blog today, but I figured I would let you all in on it anyway! So my fortune cookie said "You are never selfish with your advice or your help"...I wish that were the case, but I think it should have said "You are never selfish when it comes to voicing your opinion and should help people a lot more than you do...ya jerk!"...I happen to be very selfish with my help (I wish I weren't, but I call it like I see it)...I wish I could be the guy who would help his neighbor rip out the shrubs, cut down a tree or edge the lawn (Yes...all of these examples have to do with landscaping, because that's what I picture neighbors helping each other with...it used to be fixing cars and stuff, but now cars are too hard to fix on your own so we're stuck with landscaping analogies)...The truth is, if I see a neighbor doing some work that could use my help, I usually pretend not to see them...Is that bad? Chances are they won't ask for help, but I would feel guilty for not offering, so I go the other way...I've even snuck out the back door to not be noticed...I've decided I'm a pretty bad neighbor...We had some new people move in a couple of doors down and I am yet to meet them...As a matter of fact, I've seen them outside and have gone the other way just so I don't have to talk to them yet (okay, here's the truth...I'm not sure what the old neighbor's looked like, so I'm not sure if the new people are really the new people or the old people still moving out)...That's horrible...I should know the people two doors down, right? So I'm going to make it a point to meet them this week...I'll let you know how it goes...As I'm typing this, I'm thinking I may be lying...There will probably have to be an un-avoidable situation for me to meet them this week...Like I'm walking around the block and they happen to run me over with their van...Then we'll meet for sure...Here's the other thing I'm confused about...they have license plates from Indiana on one car and California on the other one...It just adds more uncertainty to the mix...Maybe the person I introduce myself to will be their parents visiting from Indiana (it's too much to process...I'll just wait for them to run me over :) )

Speaking of neighbors...Here's a quick story...One night our friends (Dave and Jennifer) came over...It was a Friday night and again we were enjoying some adult beverages and playing Rock Band (I know it's a common theme in this blog...drinking and Rock Band)...Hey...don't judge us...haha...So back to the story...It's 11 o'clock (ish) and Dave and I are in full on rock star mode...he's singing and I'm switching between guitars and drums...At this point, my wife and Jennifer are worn out from the game and decide to leave the band...that leaves us without a bass and guitar player (we do take it too far...so it's understandable), but Dave and I are really feeling good and decide it's time to crank it up a notch (with or without them) into some serious heavy metal tunes...we decide on the Iron Maiden classic "Run to the Hills"...if you've never heard it, imagine an 80s hair band lead singer mixed with an actor in a play doing his lines with great feeling...and when it comes time for him to deliver the big line he switches to a high pitched screaming vocal (this description does it very little justice, so listen to a clip of it on the Internet)...So I'm holding the plastic "axe" and Dave is ready to belt out the best performance of his life...The song starts and we're really rockin'...the fake crowd on the game is clapping in unison and cheering crazily...I'm feelin' the guitars...Dave is hittin' the high notes...Man we're good...and all of the sudden at the climax of the song...my wife opens the front door and our jerk neighbor from across the street who we've never met, comes in the house (uninvited I might add) and asks us to turn it down (screw you Jerk! you don't interrupt Iron Maiden)...Apparently he had been on our front porch knocking and ringing the doorbell for a couple of minutes and we didn't even hear him...the door is basically in the same room we were playing in too. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think the noise from a TV (not surround sound) is that loud from across the street and through 3 or 4 walls...even if he could hear us, was it enough to knock on the door on a Friday night? The answer is NO!...Since that night, I have only seen this guy twice...he won't look at me and definitely won't talk to me...So ya know what? I've decided that I'm gonna light his house on fire...No I'm not...but I should leave some dog crap in his mailbox with a note saying "this is for the party pooper"! JERK!

Unfortunately, we can't pick our neighbors, but wouldn't it be great if we could? Here's what my neighborhood would look like:

I would have three younger couples who all liked each other and had kids the same age as my son...Three older couples who have been in the neighborhood for 20+ years that could watch over the place and bake really well (one of the couples would have an older son who will never get married and never move out, but will take care of his parents when they break their hips...he smokes a lot of pot in the attic...the naive parents still think it's incense and he eats all of the baked goods when he's stoned)...A lesbian couple (one butch and one lipstick) that loved to garden (they would always win the neighborhood beautification award and everyone would be happy for them except for one old guy who lived down the street who is a crotchety old-school "gay hater"...we have to keep it diverse on my block :)), a mid-twenties single with a great job (dude or girl) that had random parties and "inside connections" (just to keep everybody on their toes)...they would leave me and the other husbands on the block with an open invite to all of the parties (and I would accept...a lot)...An Indian family that mostly kept to themselves, but were friendly and would stop to talk to you for a couple of minutes (but wouldn't over-do it)...The rest of the neighbors (the people down the street) would all have some kind of issues that we could gossip about, but always kept the outside of their house looking nice to hide what's really going on inside...Wow, my imagination is running wild...I think I'll stop while I'm ahead.


See Ya'll...KC

Fresh Air and Demons

Hey Everybody...sorry for slackin' on the blogging, you know football season really got under way this weekend...a man has priorities you know :) And to be honest...I've been in a funk and here's what happened...

Last week Friday, I woke up with poison in my brain...for whatever reason I felt like a total piece of crap...not physically, but mentally and no matter what I did, I couldn't shake it. It even prompted my wife to call me out and basically say "hey loser...snap out of it"...And it wasn't in a nice way...Now when I get called out like that I do one of two things...Fight or Flight...and I got the hell out of dodge! I knew she was right...I mean I've been off work for two months and gave her my word that I was coming back full force...I was being a total loser! So here's what I did...I got in my truck and started driving...it had been a long time since I went for a ride alone...I opened up the sunroof...rolled down all the windows...cranked up the radio and I drove until I got sick of driving...I hate to admit it, but I even cried (I have to be honest with you all)...Now, my GPS didn't even register the roads I was on and I had no clue where I was (I had an idea of what direction I was going, but not too good of one)...on a side note, my wife just came in here and crop dusted me as I am typing...so forgive me for losing my train of thought :)...Anyway, after being so rudely interrupted, back to the story...The beauty of where we live in North Carolina is that we are only a ten minute ride from what feels like total country...I'm talkin' horses, cows and family cemeteries in the front yard of people's homes...and I started to take notice of everything around me...older folks working in their gardens, a man riding his horse down the street and an old guy reading a book on his front porch and I thought...What the hell is wrong with you Kev? I'm surrounded by the most beautiful things in the world and never take the time to appreciate them...I have spent too many days inside the house watching TV and forgot that life is still going on outside...I think I put myself into a slight depression by taking time off work (haha..strike that...not from taking time off work, but not leaving the house enough...we have to keep things in perspective here :) ).

I forgot how awesome the sunshine feels, how great the fresh air smells and how much I love being outside playing with my son...I let myself miss out on two months of life that I can't get back and will never do again...The fresh air and sunshine are magic and they don't cost a thing...I am a true believer that everything we really need is not man made...Let's soak it up and enjoy every breath we take.

So, I woke up today a whole new person...full of life and full of energy, just because I made the decision to embrace all of the things life has to offer...it took a long time to get rid of my poisonous thoughts about real estate and I'm glad to be rid of the demons...Yes I said demons, because you know what? We are our own demons and we make decisions and hide behind facades of who we think we are, but we're not those people...deep down we are full of life, energy and spirit, but for whatever reason can't let it show...I don't know if it's because we are embarrassed or our egos won't let us...but f**k that...Let's live it up!

Se Ya'll...KC

On the Toys?...Really?

I had a thought just now and I figured I would write about it…that’s pretty much how I do this blog. I am sitting here on the couch watching my wife and son play Monopoly (he is winning…3 railroads, utility companies and houses a plenty!)…he’s a pretty sharp little dude for a five year old…anyway, here’s my thought …and I want you to post your answer also in the comments section…If you could go back in life and change one event from your past…what would it be? And I don’t mean the day somebody died or anything like that…I mean one thing you had some control over and made the wrong decision.


For me, there are two mistakes I have made that I would definitely change…I guess I should be careful saying that, because the changes would probably mean that my son wouldn’t have been born…but I’m going to assume he still would have been and continue on with two quick stories.

Change #1…When I was about 18 years old, I was making rap music in Detroit…surprisingly, we were getting pretty popular thanks to the help of another local group called “Insane Clown Posse”. ..they would have us doing shows with them every couple of months and they were pretty big shows…at least 1500-2500 people per venue…So one week they asked us to play a few shows…the first one in Detroit, then Grand Rapids, followed by Flint and possibly Cleveland…So we (my 2 partners and I) were fired up…We start off with the Detroit show and the next day hop into my 1985 Mercury Cougar and head out to Grand Rapids…the shows are fantastic…the crowds are great and we were having fun…The next night we drive to Flint in a couple of cars (about 10 of us drove up there)…So we do the show and I decide to leave early and drive home…physically beat from a pretty long weekend…The offer was left open from Insane Clown Posse to travel to Cleveland the next night and do the fourth show, but said if we didn’t want to it was “no big deal”…To this day I don’t know why I decided not to go to Cleveland (I didn’t think my car would make it and I wanted to hang out with Tina for the day)…To make a long story short…another group called House of Krazees did go to Cleveland and ended up getting a record deal out of it…When the door opens…walk through it!

Change #2…New Year’s Eve 1999…about 8 of us decide to go to The Palace of Auburn Hills for a J. Geils concert…we had a suite, plenty of drinks and figured if the power was going out for Y2K (what a joke) at least the drums would still be able to play! So I walk out of the suite to get some food from the concourse and who do I see? The Insane Clown Posse!…So I walk up to them and say “What up Joe and Joey?”…thankfully they recognize me and ask me what I’ve been up to and if I’m still writing music…Now, at this time I was half-assing the music thing, but I told them “Hell yeah I’m still writing music…real good music!” (you have to sell yourself right?)...So Joe tells me he’d love to hear it and gives me his cell number…he says “Get a demo together and drop it off to me at the studio next week”…So the first thing I did when I woke up on January 1st, 2000 was put together a demo for them…I dropped it off at their studio and he called me a few days later and says “Hey, we liked your shit…but we’d like to hear something recorded with our producer (the Detroit legend…Mike Clark)”…he also says that I can record a solo demo or one with both of my partners…I debated on that for a minute and decided that not only was the music better with all of us, but we all had the same dream and this was the chance that all of us had been waiting for…so I called them! They are both on board and we record two of the best songs we have ever written and submit our demo to them…Insane Clown Posse love it and tell us they want to sign us to a record deal!!! This was one of the greatest days of my life…and I’ve had a lot of great days, but imagine the feeling I got when I heard that I was going to be a professional musician…this was my passion and it was all I’d ever seen myself doing in life!

So here was the plan for this deal…We would be picked up by a limo and driven to their house for a screening of their new movie…after the movie, we would sit down and hammer out a preliminary record deal and then in the next month or so start recording an album (there was more to it than that, but this is the cliff notes)…My partner and I were to be picked up by the limo at Mike Clark’s house at 3ish…In the meantime, we went to, of all places the bowling alley (my partner was black and this was the first time I’d ever seen a black dude bowl and he beat me…I think because he was dating a polish girl at the time and it must have rubbed off on him)…we picked the bowling alley because they had beer and he wanted to celebrate a little (a lot) before hand…So we bowl and he drinks!...Enter the limo…

We have a fun ride out to Novi (about 35 minutes) and the drinks are still flowing…For the record, I had maybe one beer at the bowling alley and that was it…this was an important day for me and I wasn’t committed to celebrating until the deal was done! So we get to the house…there’s about 40 people or so there…all of the record company guys…the dudes from House of Krazees and some random friends and family of ICP…The drinks are still flowing and my partner is getting pretty drunk at this point…Where is our other partner you ask? Working…but he’s going to meet us there later (and he does)…So our other partner arrives and the premier of this movie is about to start…He and I find a cozy spot on the lower level of the house (it was a tri-level) to watch it and we lose track of our drunk partner…we figure he’s semi passed out somewhere and will sober up by the end of the movie…wrong!

About 20 minutes into the flick I get a tap on my shoulder…it’s Mike Clark…the producer…He tells me we have to get our partner out of the house immediately! I ask him why and he says “He’s too fu**ed up and is out on the porch with a bloody lip and ripped clothes”…I’m blown away, but not surprised after seeing all of the drinking…So my first thought is make sure he’s ok and get him out of there (after all…he’s my friend and I’m more concerned about him being ok than seeing the movie)…My worry though is why is he beat up?…When I get outside, I can tell that something bad had happened and I could see in the eyes of the record company guys that the deal is in big jeopardy…I ask Joe (whose house it was) “What happened?”…at this point I’m not sure I want to hear the answer and I was right…He says “I’m standing in my living room and your boy walks right past me, opens up a closet filled with my nephew’s toys and pisses all over the floor and the toys”…”WHAT?...IMPOSSIBLE” I thought…of all the things I expected to hear…this was not even a possibility nor a consideration…Needless to say we leave the house and our dreams of becoming rock stars are left in a puddle of piss in the closet of the Insane Clown Posse!

So what could I change about this? I did nothing wrong, right?...Wrong! I shouldn’t have let him drink one drop that day…I blame myself…However, I didn’t hold a grudge for too long…after all, my friendship was worth more to me than a record deal (it’s crazy to say that, but true) and I do have a good story to tell for the rest of my life.

Maybe one day I’ll get another shot…but, I’ll do it solo!

So what would you change? One moment in life that you could take back...



See Ya…KC

God and Garlic

Dammit…I just wrote a whole new blog about a conference we were at today with Colin Powell and Rudy Giuliani, but somehow it got completely erased so one day I’ll do it again…Honestly, it was kind of exhausting to write about it…The speakers were completely awesome, but after listening to people speak all day the last thing I really wanted to do was speak about people speaking to me (is this considering speaking?)…Either way, here I am re-writing for the day.


Ironically, when we were on the way to the conference which was a “Get Motivated” conference, we hit so much traffic that I told my wife and bro-in-law that I was officially un-motivated to go to the motivational conference and almost turned around…I am always the guy who gets everywhere an hour early…which reminds me of a cartoon I saw once: It was of a guy sitting alone in a circle of folding chairs (similar to an AA meeting), but this was the “pre-mature ejaculators anonymous meeting”…there was a sign on the wall that says “meeting at 5 O’clock” and the clock showed 4:00…the thought bubble over his head said “looks like I came too soon”…that’s me (not the pre-mature ejaculating part…ok sometimes :), but mostly the being early part)…My wife on the other hand will push things to the very last minute…that drives me crazy!!! (this is going in a weird direction:))...next subject!

I will touch on one thing that struck a chord with me at the conference…Every speaker, and there were about seven of them, made a mention about God at some point in their speech…Now most of you know me, and I am by no means a saint nor a huge church-goer…I’m not real proud of that because I do believe in God and I feel like I should go to church more than I have been (holidays…okay you got me…most holidays…alright, some holidays...Damn, I’m going to hell)…I guess I have developed a problem with organized religion…which is a little ironic because I went to Catholic school, but I feel like it has become all about money and I can pray in my bedroom without being guilted into paying for it (10% to the church? That’s a little much, right?)…We do have our son in a Lutheran school because not only will he have the groundwork in place for him to believe in God, but also because the education seems good… But here’s what one of the speakers suggested…It’s an affirmation and he said if you say it every day it will change your life (I’m just passing it along…I haven’t tried it yet and I’m not trying to preach here)…I do know that we could all use a little help from the big guy every now and again so this can’t hurt (unless you’re a Satanist, then this will probably burn a little bit…but you deserve it :))

Here is the affirmation (basically it’s a prayer)…”Jesus, come into my life and become number one…forgive me of all my past mistakes and show me the kind of person you want me to become”…that’s it…he (Krish Dhanam) says that if we just say that every morning it will change our lives…I’m going to try it...I won’t bring it up again though, because this isn’t really the forum for that…I hope it works for those of you that do try it!

Side Note: I was sitting in the living room last night and my wife was in the family room watching a movie with her brother. She was laughing hysterically at some parts and I found myself smiling just thinking about her laughing…I love her laugh…I love her smile and I love everything about her (although she talks way too much and eats too much garlic…as a matter of fact, she was eating garlic hummus last night while watching the movie…the bedroom reeked of garlic last night…the whole bathroom smelled like garlic this morning…imagine that for a minute…walking into the bathroom first thing in the morning and it smelling like an anti-vampire rally…there are definitely no vampires in this house…she’s gonna kill me)…wow that got off subject a bit…the point to this was…we should tell the people we love that we love them more often…and I think I am going to start loving more people (not like that)…just people in general…so here’s to doing both of those things!



See Ya…KC

Back in the Saddle!

I need to start off today's blog with a big thank you to everybody who has been reading and giving me feedback...I have actually had people tell me that they look forward to reading this every day and that is pretty awesome. The truth is, I love writing it and to have people really enjoy it is pretty cool...so thanks and keep on reading...I promise to talk about things from the heart and hopefully with some occasional humor and maybe a little inspiration here and there...

So today was my first real day back at the ol' real estate game and I knew that if I were to have any success I would need to change my thoughts dramatically...so I did. Over the past few days, I have been trying to gear up mentally for the big return and I came up with a quote that is going to be my new motto...feel free to steal it...unless you have a better motto (which is very possible:))...every morning I am going to start with this thought: "If I don't do everything in my power to make this the BEST day possible...then there is a chance it could be the worst...and I'm not willing to take that risk!"...whoa!...that's some deep shit right there...haha :)

Now, I need to clarify how my day actually goes and to be honest with you, the morning is the only thing set in stone. I wake up and do the "routine" with my son and as soon as I hit the office door it is time to smile, dial and make a pile. I have a computer system that dials every For Sale by Owner, every expired listing, neighbors of homes we have just listed and neighbors of homes we have just sold...not only is it a total grind, but I get rejected more by 10:00 am than most people do in their whole lives, so it can be real hard to stay positive...but if I do (like today) I will get an appointment and will list a home.

The trick is having the right MINDSET and that's my biggest weakness...it's ego (and I'm not alone)...we all have ego issues...we are afraid that if we get rejected or make a mistake that our little egos will be bruised and we will be shamed forever...I struggle with it every single day and my challenge is to GET OVER IT. If I get hung up on by a potential seller, they won't even remember my name in 5 minutes, but I let my mind make such a big deal out of it...I must think they are going to take out a billboard with my picture on it that says "LOSER" under it...where do I get off thinking I'm so important? Do you realize how much our egos hold us back...think of your day to day dealings...you may not speak up at a meeting with a great idea because of fear of rejection...you may not ask the prettiest girl out on a date for fear of rejection...I think the truth is that the pretty girl wants you to ask her out and the boss is looking for a good idea...so let's speak up...F**k our egos! Our egos hate us...let's hate them back :)...whew, I'm glad that's off my chest :)

Now, I'm going to slightly change the subject...I took a phone call at about 1:30 this afternoon and the person I spoke to had said that they read the blog and were inspired by it (I love that)...This person was calling for my advice on a career change...Why me? No idea, but I was more than happy to help. Without getting in too much detail, they were thinking of going into a certain business, but were warned by relatives that it was a bad idea...so they were considering something else now. My first question and what I really want to expand on is "What do those people know about the 'business' and really, who are they to tell you not to do it?" and of course the answer was "Absolutely nothing and I don't know".

Here's what I want to know...Why in the world would we let ANYBODY (spouse, parents, kids, cousins...whoever) get in the way of what we want? Do you know how many people told us we would never leave Michigan?...Lots..."Oh Kev, you'll never leave the car business"...bullshit..."You'll miss everybody too much if you leave!"...Thank goodness for skype :)

Screw the nay-sayers...most people want you to fail...it's a fact of life...misery truly does love company. If you have a plan that you've been waiting to put in motion until the right time...PUT IT IN MOTION NOW! Doors will open up...and your life will change FOR THE BETTER! We've all done it at some point...it works! (this is a side note for the person who called :))

There are millions of people in the world who say to themselves every single day..."If I only knew then what I know now..." and most of them were probably told by somebody else that they couldn't or shouldn't do something. Think about it...What have we got to lose? Nothing (no excuses)!

Alright, enough from me...sorry for the preaching :)...lighter stuff tomorrow...but let's get some momentum going (whatever your plan is...put it in motion). As a matter of fact, we were at a convention not long ago in Las Vegas and the speaker, Mike Ferry suggested we put together a "dream book" or "dream board"...you should definitely make one...it's just a book of pictures of things that you want in life (houses, cars, vacations etc.). If you look at this book every day, these things will start to materialize...I know it sounds like magic right? Actually it kind of is.

True Story (and then I'm done): We have a dream board in our office and it has a picture of a house that we bought from istock photo for our website (www.caulgroup.com) you can see the pic there...it's a totally random picture of a house that we think is awesome, so we put it on our board thinking that one day that's the kind of house we would like. We have no idea what state the house is in let alone what country, but we look at it every day! So we happened to be driving through neighborhoods trying to pinpoint where we want to buy our next house and low and behold we see a house that looks just like the one on our dream board...so we take a picture of it...my wife tells me that it's the same style, but different colors...Guess what? When we got home and loaded the pics on our computer it was the exact same house...same trees...same landscaping..It was THE house and it's only 15 minutes away from where we live...So put together a dream board...just for fun and let's see what happens.

By the way, feel free to comment on any of these posts...this blog is for all of us!

See ya'll...KC

Weirdos in Aisle 7

A few weeks ago we went to dinner at our neighbor's (Dave and Jennifer) house...nothing fancy, just spaghetti and beer...and while we were eating, a discussion came up about the grocery store (Harris Teeter)...I happened to mention that there is an old guy...probably 65-70ish yrs old named Fred who is without question the world's slowest bagger. If Fred is bagging in any lane I avoid it like the plague and hope to God that a worker doesn't tell me that his lane is open...I feel bad because I think at some point he may have had a stroke or something, but at the same time he should be relegated to collecting the carts from the parking lot if that's the case (that's more his speed). Anyway, my buddy Dave reminded me that he used to bag groceries back in the day...he tells me that when he goes to Harris Teeter he won't let anybody bag his groceries and says that while he was there on that day he challenged one of the employees (Paul) to a "bag off". Paul declines, but one of the managers who we refer to as "Red" (he has reddish hair, an abnormally pink face and I hate to say it, but we mentioned that he probably has an extremely pink wiener as well (childish, I know)) tells Dave that there is a bagging competition at the store the next morning at 10:00am.

As the night progresses, we are having a great time playing Rock Band, drinking beer and having a jolly time. Every once and a while Dave mentions (with genuine excitement) the bagging competition and says he is going in the morning...somehow I gave off the vibe that I would go with him...and after more beer I started getting just as excited as he was (the vibe was electric...and easy to get caught up in :)). So as midnight-ish approaches we call it a night and my wife and I walk home completely buzzed with our five year old still wide awake (great parenting right?) and not giving a thought to waking up for a trip to Harris Teeter.

Saturday Morning: 9:40 AM...I have literally been out of bed for 10 minutes and while sitting on the couch I hear "bang bang bang" on the front door...Tina yells "It's Dave" and runs upstairs to put a bra on...I answer the door and he says "What's up dude? Are you ready for Harris Teeter?"...now I had totally forgotten about the bagging competition, but I said I was "in" and to be honest with you...I WAS a little excited about it. So, I throw on some jeans and a hat and we are out the door...as we are walking to the car,  I find out that Dave made a sign that read "This is Paul's House"...he was really fired up! It was at this point where I thought "I sure hope this bagging competition is a big deal...because if we walk in with a sign...we're gonna look like a couple of total LOSERS :)"

The Arrival: 9:55 AM...We pull in to the grocery store and after very short debate make an executive decision to leave the "sign" in the car...just in case...(greatest decision we have EVER made)...As we walk in and look around it seems to be business as usual and we don't see any sign of a bagging competition. I ask Dave "Are you sure that first of all they said 10:00 and secondly they definitely said THIS Harris Teeter?" he says "Yes"...again thank goodness the sign is in the car...So we decide that we need to ask an employee, but for sure not one of the cute girls and definitely not one of the dudes...so we see a black girl in aisle 7 who looks safe enough to ask (her being black doesn't have that much to do with it, but I need to paint an accurate picture...besides if we were gonna ask about a bagging contest I think we both assumed that a black girl would give us a yay or nay and go back to her business...boy were we wrong)...We approach her and as Dave asks "Hey, I was told there is a bagging competition this morning...", I decide it's a good time to go into "pretend to be looking for something to buy" mode (I can see the writing on the wall and am trying to look like the "not quite as interested guy")...So the girl says "I haven't heard about one, but let me go up front and check"...those were the words we definitely did not want to hear...I still don't know why we just didn't say "No, it's cool...obviously we have some bad info"...Dammit, we should have said that.

She heads up front and we look at each other like "uh-oh...we're gonna look like some total goofs"...As she is upfront, my wife calls and says to get dish soap...Now, this puts me in a little bit of a pickle...If there actually is a bagging competition I'm okay with buying the soap, but if not...it's gonna look like a desperate attempt to save face..."oh look at this guy trying to buy something to pretend he wasn't here for a BAGGING CONTEST".

So...I get the soap and we head upfront...the black girl is up there talking with the cute girls, managers and "Paul the bagger" LAUGHING! One of the girls walks away from the conversation giggling saying "yeah, it's at 10:00 haha". They are ALL looking at us! The funny thing though is that the black girl isn't quite sure what's going on either (she was either new or not in on the apparent joke) We quickly realize that we look like complete assholes...and to make things worse, I still have to pay for the soap. Needless to say, I used the self-checkout lane and walk out with my head down and tail tucked.

As we leave the store, I say to Dave "Could you imagine if we had brought in the F***ing sign?"...he gives me a look that says "No shit...not only are we forever known as the two thirty-somethings that came to see a bagging contest, but we took the time to make a sign for a fat 17yr old bagger named Paul" At this point it is becoming comical to us and we are still a little unsure if we just got "punked" or if there really was a competition...we started second guessing ourselves like "maybe it just hasn't started yet"..we never did get a straight answer, just giggles and the one girl's comment about it starting at 10:00...Hell, the black girl didn't know either...We even go so far as to google "Harris Teeter Bagging Competition" on my Blackberry in hopes that there would be results from past competitions...haha...I'm laughing just thinking about it!

Here's the thing...we both consider ourselves pretty "cool" and were hoping it was going to be like the competition in the movie "Employee of the Month", but instead every time we walk into Harris Teeter on Kildaire Farm road...we will hear "There they are...the bagging competition guys"...I guess that's what I get for avoiding poor Fred.

So the moral of the story is..."Just when you think you're cool, the jokes on you and the black girl"...and for the record when you google Harris Teeter Bagging Competition you get a link to a contest where Harris Teeter employees can win a contest to have their dog's picture on a bag of dog food...PERFECT!

THANK GOD WE DIDN'T BRING THE SIGN!!!

KC