I had lunch at Pei Wei today...for those who don't know, it's a chain Chinese joint...but decent food...I think it's owned by P.F. Changs...There is a half man/half girl that works there and I really have no idea which gender they are...Long enough hair to have a ponytail, I think there is an Adam's apple, but there are also boobs (tiny ones, but still boobs)...Their voice is like a deep girl's voice or a high pitched guy's voice (I really can't do the voice justice), with a lisp!...I'm completely confused by them and have trouble looking them in the eyes...there is no name tag...and if there were a name tag it would probably be Jaime ("Jay-Mee" for a girl or "Hi Me" for a guy) which would be of no help...they are Mexican :)...I wish I had a picture and we could have a vote...that would be completely wrong, but fun :)
The he-she has nothing to do with the blog today, but I figured I would let you all in on it anyway! So my fortune cookie said "You are never selfish with your advice or your help"...I wish that were the case, but I think it should have said "You are never selfish when it comes to voicing your opinion and should help people a lot more than you do...ya jerk!"...I happen to be very selfish with my help (I wish I weren't, but I call it like I see it)...I wish I could be the guy who would help his neighbor rip out the shrubs, cut down a tree or edge the lawn (Yes...all of these examples have to do with landscaping, because that's what I picture neighbors helping each other with...it used to be fixing cars and stuff, but now cars are too hard to fix on your own so we're stuck with landscaping analogies)...The truth is, if I see a neighbor doing some work that could use my help, I usually pretend not to see them...Is that bad? Chances are they won't ask for help, but I would feel guilty for not offering, so I go the other way...I've even snuck out the back door to not be noticed...I've decided I'm a pretty bad neighbor...We had some new people move in a couple of doors down and I am yet to meet them...As a matter of fact, I've seen them outside and have gone the other way just so I don't have to talk to them yet (okay, here's the truth...I'm not sure what the old neighbor's looked like, so I'm not sure if the new people are really the new people or the old people still moving out)...That's horrible...I should know the people two doors down, right? So I'm going to make it a point to meet them this week...I'll let you know how it goes...As I'm typing this, I'm thinking I may be lying...There will probably have to be an un-avoidable situation for me to meet them this week...Like I'm walking around the block and they happen to run me over with their van...Then we'll meet for sure...Here's the other thing I'm confused about...they have license plates from Indiana on one car and California on the other one...It just adds more uncertainty to the mix...Maybe the person I introduce myself to will be their parents visiting from Indiana (it's too much to process...I'll just wait for them to run me over :) )
Speaking of neighbors...Here's a quick story...One night our friends (Dave and Jennifer) came over...It was a Friday night and again we were enjoying some adult beverages and playing Rock Band (I know it's a common theme in this blog...drinking and Rock Band)...Hey...don't judge us...haha...So back to the story...It's 11 o'clock (ish) and Dave and I are in full on rock star mode...he's singing and I'm switching between guitars and drums...At this point, my wife and Jennifer are worn out from the game and decide to leave the band...that leaves us without a bass and guitar player (we do take it too far...so it's understandable), but Dave and I are really feeling good and decide it's time to crank it up a notch (with or without them) into some serious heavy metal tunes...we decide on the Iron Maiden classic "Run to the Hills"...if you've never heard it, imagine an 80s hair band lead singer mixed with an actor in a play doing his lines with great feeling...and when it comes time for him to deliver the big line he switches to a high pitched screaming vocal (this description does it very little justice, so listen to a clip of it on the Internet)...So I'm holding the plastic "axe" and Dave is ready to belt out the best performance of his life...The song starts and we're really rockin'...the fake crowd on the game is clapping in unison and cheering crazily...I'm feelin' the guitars...Dave is hittin' the high notes...Man we're good...and all of the sudden at the climax of the song...my wife opens the front door and our jerk neighbor from across the street who we've never met, comes in the house (uninvited I might add) and asks us to turn it down (screw you Jerk! you don't interrupt Iron Maiden)...Apparently he had been on our front porch knocking and ringing the doorbell for a couple of minutes and we didn't even hear him...the door is basically in the same room we were playing in too. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think the noise from a TV (not surround sound) is that loud from across the street and through 3 or 4 walls...even if he could hear us, was it enough to knock on the door on a Friday night? The answer is NO!...Since that night, I have only seen this guy twice...he won't look at me and definitely won't talk to me...So ya know what? I've decided that I'm gonna light his house on fire...No I'm not...but I should leave some dog crap in his mailbox with a note saying "this is for the party pooper"! JERK!
Unfortunately, we can't pick our neighbors, but wouldn't it be great if we could? Here's what my neighborhood would look like:
I would have three younger couples who all liked each other and had kids the same age as my son...Three older couples who have been in the neighborhood for 20+ years that could watch over the place and bake really well (one of the couples would have an older son who will never get married and never move out, but will take care of his parents when they break their hips...he smokes a lot of pot in the attic...the naive parents still think it's incense and he eats all of the baked goods when he's stoned)...A lesbian couple (one butch and one lipstick) that loved to garden (they would always win the neighborhood beautification award and everyone would be happy for them except for one old guy who lived down the street who is a crotchety old-school "gay hater"...we have to keep it diverse on my block :)), a mid-twenties single with a great job (dude or girl) that had random parties and "inside connections" (just to keep everybody on their toes)...they would leave me and the other husbands on the block with an open invite to all of the parties (and I would accept...a lot)...An Indian family that mostly kept to themselves, but were friendly and would stop to talk to you for a couple of minutes (but wouldn't over-do it)...The rest of the neighbors (the people down the street) would all have some kind of issues that we could gossip about, but always kept the outside of their house looking nice to hide what's really going on inside...Wow, my imagination is running wild...I think I'll stop while I'm ahead.
See Ya'll...KC
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