So we get to the hotel and step out of the truck with our luggage and a cooler full of beer. We proceed to the front desk to check in. Bob had made reservations on priceline.com because they had the cheapest rates and he is always looking for a deal...as a matter of fact on another trip to Myrtle Beach he printed out coupons for free cover charge at a bar called Studebakers which happened to be a swing dancing club for 60-75 year olds...so he is notoriously cheap (if he reads this...that statement will surely bother him :))...So back to the front desk...we have 2 rooms reserved...I am going to stay in a room with Bill and Melvin and Bob will be staying in another...Luckily, I was the first one up to the counter and the lady says to me "You have a reservation for one king size bed"...I said "Well, there are two dudes staying in the room who aren't gay, so I'm going to need 2 twin beds if that's possible"...She says "You're in luck, I have one double room left!"...This was magic to my ears, because now not only do Bill and I have separate beds, but I know that will leave Melvin and Bob with one bed to share...No matter what Bob tried to do or say, he could not get a double room...He tried like hell, but was told that there was an Anime convention in town and all of the rooms were booked solid...Anime, by the way, is Japanese animation and apparently these cartoons are full of ninjas, sword fighters and all kinds of fantasy characters...Not really my thing, but the people occupying the hotel seemed to love it. There were all kinds of kids and adults dressed up like wizards and warlocks in the lobby and I remember one guy yelling "Morpheus!"...I have to be honest, I hated all of them, but they were very entertaining!
So as we are heading up to the room a guy stops Bob and says "Hey man, how did you get your cooler in here? They told me you could only bring in a cooler if it had Medicine." Bob's reply was classic he said "Yeah, that's what I have in here...meat and medicine!" Meanwhile his leg is still swelling up, so I'm sure the guy bought it...I actually thought for a minute that Bob would try and get out of the ballgame because of his shin, but he didn't. So once we get settled into the rooms we showered and headed to the elevators to go to dinner...at this point we've been drinking a little bit and were feeling pretty good, so we get in the elevator with a family of four and push the lobby button and start heading down...The elevator stops at about the fifth floor and the door opens...standing before us is a 16 or 17 year old girl in a full spandex "get up" with a cape and a sword with her face painted as some kind of Japanese cat...she gets in the elevator with us and it is silent for about 5 seconds until Melvin can't take it anymore...He starts laughing to himself (you know the grunting noise that your nose make when you are trying to hold in a laugh but can't)...His face is beet red and his eyes are watering when finally, the rest of us lose it...This poor cat girl had to ride down five floors being absolutely mocked by four dudes who had been drinking all afternoon. It was a priceless moment for us, but I'm sure it felt like an eternity for her...She needed to get to Morpheus quickly!
So we eat and go to the ballgame and for some reason my buddy Jason calls me in about the third inning and tells me that "Rod Stewart died"...I said "Are you sure? Rod Stewart?"...He assured me it was Rod Stewart, so I proceeded to let everybody in our section know that Rod Stewart was dead...I didn't actually tell everybody, but I kept saying it loud enough so that everybody heard...I wanted to be known as the guy with the breaking news (you've all done it too...there's something cool about delivering shocking news and you want the credit for it...it's natural :))...So it's pretty well known that Rod Stewart is dead in Cincinnati! UNTIL...One inning later when Jason calls me back and says "I made a mistake it was some other Stewart"...Great, now I get to be the guy who breaks false news stories...So I didn't say a word, I just let it go and everybody still thought he was dead (Hey, I have a reputation to protect...it had been a rough day and I ain't goin' out as a liar :))...Anyway, about the fifth inning we decide to walk around the ball park and while we're doing that we spot a boat in the river behind the stadium that looks like a Riverboat Casino...Well that was enough to leave the game for, except after we leave we find out that it is not a casino it's just a big ass boat! At this point though, we had casino on the brain and asked a cab driver if there was one near by...He says "Yeah, about 15 minutes up the freeway"..."Can you take us there?"..."Yeah, climb in"...So we get in the minivan cab and start driving and driving and driving...When we see the "Welcome to Kentucky" sign we all look at each other and decide it's time to ask the cab driver if we are still in fact going to the casino...He says "It's just across the state line into Indiana"..."So we're going two states away to the casino?"..."Yeah it's only a few minutes from here"...We were in that cab for at least 35-40 minutes and finally pulled into the casino parking lot in this shady little town called Lawrenceburg, Indiana...I can't even remember how much the ride cost us, but it wasn't cheap...So we go to the casino, but in the back of my mind I'm wondering "Who the hell is going to drive us back to Ohio when we want to leave?"...We'll deal with that later!
So we gamble a little bit and decide we should head to a local bar :)...Bill says he's going to stay behind at the casino because he wanted to win some money and we tell him we won't be long...So we start walking down the street and it's basically a shitty little neighborhood full of beat up ranch style homes with falling down fences and ratty cars in the driveways, and they decided to put a casino and some random hole in the wall bars and one strip club smack dab in the middle of it! (that is way too long of a sentence...so much for grammar)...So we're walking down the street toward the highway where there are supposedly a couple of bars...one gentleman's club (no gentleman were in this joint) and another local shit-hole bar! We're walking and walking and can't find these bars, so we see an old movie theater and I decide to stop in and ask for directions...Sitting in the ticket window is a ninety year old guy and his old buddy...At this point I'm debating to even ask where the strip club is because I'm too embarrassed with him being ninety and all, but I'm committed to the cause so I say "Excuse me sir, do you know how to get to the strip club from here?"...He can't hear well (of course, right? he's frickin ninety...he thinks I want tickets to the movies and he really can't hear me through the glass)...So I say it louder "DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET TO THE STRIP CLUB?"...He comes from out of the ticket booth and gives me the "one more time" look where you lift your eyebrows and look closer at somebody...So I ask again and he knows exactly how to get there...The old perv probably went there every night...He says its called "Concepts Showgirls" and it's down the street and when you get to the highway make a right, it's a block down...So we do and there it is...Melvin and I proceed to enter while Bob goes into the bar across the street...For the record, Concepts Showgirls should be renamed to Concepts Show Horses, because there were some nasty chicks up in that place...BUT there are two dollar beers and we figured at that price...gross boobs are better than no boobs at all...so we start drinking...The way this place was set up was with two sections...one with a pool table and chairs all around it (apparently that was the VIP section) and then there was the stage area which had about ten folding chairs around a 10x7 wood platform for a stage...So we sat there...The beers kept flowing and the horses kept prancing around...I actually almost got kicked in the face by one of the dancers clear-soled hooker boots (that's how close the seats were to the stage)...Melvin and I were having a really good time, laughing and thoroughly enjoying ourselves until one of the dancers comes too close and (EXPLICIT WARNING HERE) I get a wiff of poop!!! Now, I'm not a perfectionist and I know this place ain't an upscale club, but a wiff of poo was a little too much..."Can we cash out please?"...We call Bob and meet him on Elm street to walk back to the Casino to get Bill and get the hell out of Lawrenceburg...At this point it was 1:00 AM (ish)!
We start walking back to the Hollywood Casino and we hear "WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF" and a lady yelling "CAESAR!!! CAESAR!!! CAESAR!!!"...Guess who was attacking Bob's bad leg...You guessed it...Caesar the dog...It was so dark out, that I can't even tell you what kind of dog Caesar was, but he was not messing around! He kept barking and attacking while Bob tried to run and jump out of the way...I happened to be on the phone with my wife when Caesar attacked and she said "Who is screaming? Where are You?"...I said "Bob is getting attacked by a dog, we are walking down a street in Indiana heading back to the Casino from the strip club." She says "Why are you going to the casino now?"..."Honey. it's a long story, but Bill is still there and we need to figure out how to get back to Ohio" (this must have sounded crazy to her, but it was all true:))...So the woman gets Caesar under control and Bob is thankfully not mauled to death...We finally get back to the casino after a fifteen minute walk.
We meet back up with Bill and decide it's time to figure out how to get back to Cincy...So we head to the cab station outside...The guy working there says he will call a cab for us and they should be here within twenty minutes...so we hang out by the doors of the casino waiting for the cab...twenty minutes goes by, then thirty, then forty and we ask the guy again at the cab stand...he says they are on the way...It's about 2AM at this point and we are really ready to get the hell out of there...It's been a real long day! Right about then, a bus full of old people pulls up...It was one of those tour buses that takes old people on casino trips every weekend...All of the old bagels get off the bus and we decide to ask the driver if he would be willing to drive us back to the hotel...He says "Nope, can't do it"...So we are waiting and waiting for this frickin' cab to come and we see the tour bus driver mosey on over to us...He says (he's black so use whatever black accent you use when reading) "Ya'll still need to get back to Cincinnata? (yes he said Cincinnata with an a)"...We tell him we do and he asks how much we would pay him?...We agree on $50 a man and we board the tour bus...He didn't care that all of the old people's belongings were still on the bus or anything, he just wanted to make a quick $200 and he did...We drove on this bus for a good hour getting back to the hotel and we loved every minute of it...After the long day we had...We deserved it!!! So Bill and I headed up to the room and Melvin and Bob cozied up to each other in their king sized bed and we had a good night's sleep (they claim they put a pillow between them, but I suspect there was some spooning going on)!
One of the greatest days of my life!!!
The rest of the trip was highly un-eventful compared to this day...Thank goodness!
THE END
See Ya'll tomorrow when I need to rant about the Fu**in PTA parents :)...KC
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