Bad Advice for a 7 Year Old: Am I a Bad Dad?

I often wonder if I give my kid mixed messages or if he understands my sarcasm and inside jokes…It took a lot of explaining that fruits don’t get married because they “Cantaloupe”…I assumed for the first 30 times that I told him the joke that he (a 7yr  and 362 day old) knew what eloping was…until he said “I never get that joke and you say it EVERY time we have cantaloupe”. This got me thinking about some of the advice I give him…does he understand my humor? Am I giving him advice that will scar him for life?

Our son goes to a small and I mean SMALL Lutheran school. As a matter of fact, there are only like 13 kids in his whole class. I know it’s a completely sheltered little nerd school, but it’s a great education and the kids are cool (most of them anyway)…and when I say cool, I mean nice. In my opinion, at 8 years old, they are all nerds and none of the kids can be considered “cool”…although some of them think they are, but you need to EARN the title of cool and 8 years on this Earth hasn’t earned you little shits that right yet. Anyway, my son likes all of the kids…he obviously has his favorites, but doesn’t hate anybody so that’s good. I, on the other hand, have to keep his little, impressionable brain in check when it comes to glorifying some of the kids. Like any class, there are kids who think they are “half-man, half-amazing”…I like to remind my son that when those kids go home they cry and whine just like every other eight year old…just so he knows that the kids who think of themselves as superheroes are generally the most insecure of the bunch…Am I wrong for doing that? I want to raise my kid to think he’s just as good as everybody else and not to be shuffled into some kind of elementary school hierarchy.

On the flipside, I don’t want him to think he’s better than anybody else either, so I like to remind him of that too. I guess I’m trying to prepare for the impending middle school drama...yeah, I said “I’m” trying to prepare for it…I know myself...and there are times when I haven’t always given the best advice to him…like when he said he was tripped on the playground and asked me what he should he have done. A good parent (at least what I perceive to be a good parent) would say something like “well, you should tell the teacher and blah blah blah”…What did I say? Without hesitation… “Punch him in the face and he’ll never do it again”…My son is way too gentle for that, so his response was “Daddddyyyyyy” in a tone like he was scolding me.

Sometimes, I like to let him think I’m just a little bit nuts so he thinks I’m mysterious. Sometimes, he just asks the wrong question at the wrong time…if I’ve had a tough day, my response is usually gonna be something completely off the wall (thankfully, he’s knows better than to trust those answers). Now…I know he wouldn’t punch another kid and I would never really want him to, but I’m thinking of the future…trying to help him set the tone. I know one thing, if he had punched the kid in the face, there would never be another issue, at least with that kid, the parents and I may have a little talk, but I would just deny it and chalk it up to boys being boys. Thankfully, there was never another issue (my kid probably tattle taled on him and got the kid in trouble…whatever). One day I’ll teach him the lesson of “Snitches Get Stitches”, but I think he’s a touch too young for that one. Although, he told me the other morning on the ride to school that Bugs Bunny liked being in jail because he got free food and free exercise…I promptly told him that Bugs Bunny didn’t tell him about having to make a shank so that when he went out to the yard to exercise he could protect himself from getting stabbed by the rival bunny gang and that prisoners really eat liver and garbage because they get the leftover scraps that the rest of the world won’t eat…He said “I never want to go to jail”…so that was ok to tell him, right?

I’ve given him more bad advice though…I tried to convince him that joining the choir was not cool at all, but EVERY and I mean EVERY single kid in his class is in the choir, so I would look like a dick if I didn’t let him join. He actually really enjoys it too, so I would have deprived him of the fun. I still think it’s borderline “you know what”, but I keep my mouth shut. I do get a kick out of the choir director though, he sings in this falsetto tone all the time so he can match the high pitch of the kids. The best part is that he is about the only one you hear because the kids didn’t join to actually sing. It is more of a social thing for them and a way to get out of class early on Thursdays, so they just stand there and let him make all the noise.

I’ve accepted the choir, but I will draw a line at the band…I’m not trying to say the band at the school is bad…I’m trying to say it is really, really, really not good. I know the kids try hard and all, but the government could pipe this band into terrorist’s prison cells and they would give up any information in the world for it to stop. The Saints try to go marching in, but when they do they are tripping over their own feet…it’s a mess…“Boom, Boom, Honk, Honk, Crash, Boom, Honk”. I’ve told my wife that I would love to take over the whole music program and make the kids sing songs that they would enjoy singing, but I would get too frustrated expecting them to sing like the kids in Harlem and these kids are the furthest thing from Harlem. In fact, if you were looking for the exact opposite school from one in Harlem, this would be your place.

***So I was writing a lot of this blog while waiting in the school parking lot for my kid to get out of choir practice and what is the first thing he says to me when he gets in the car? “Daddy, here is a paper about the Raleigh Boys Choir, I REALLY want to join it.”…My response? “Oh buddy, I’m not sure we can fit in another choir, after all, you have basketball starting and the school choir and maybe piano lessons starting (we haven’t even signed him up for piano lessons yet, but I had to make his life sound really busy…in my defense, I did say "maybe" piano lessons) and then you wouldn’t have any time to play video games at home”. Go ahead, judge me, tell me I’m a rotten Dad…I don’t care…I’m not spending every free moment I have to listen to a bunch of kids singing shit I don’t want to hear. We have a whole recording studio at the house…he can sing in there. What? I'm supposed to give up a perfectly good tee time to watch kids sing? Nope. When he was born I told my wife, “he’s joining our life, so he’s gonna have to adapt accordingly”.***

 

So I give bad advice...what can I say? So far he seems to be ok...I wish some of the other parents would give bad advice. Then only half the class would be in choir.

 

Before we part for the day:

BELOW IS A RANDOM 8 YEAR OLD CONVERSATION
(well, the conversation itself isn't 8 years old, but it's a conversation with...you get the point")

On the ride home, I realized that kids don’t ever stop talking and it’s like listening to an alien. After I stomped his Raleigh Boys Choir dream our conversation went as follows:

Michael (a mile a minute): “At recess, we played this game on the monkey bars and I’m a coach now”

Me: “What does being a coach mean?”

Michael: “After you pass 5 levels of monkey bar training, you can become a coach and since I was a student and I passed all 5 levels, I have become a coach. What kind of coach do you think I should be? A strict coach? or a nicer coach?”

Me (I have no idea why I was even still paying attention): “I think you should be a fun coach.”

Michael: “OK…I’ll be a fun coach and I have a really good student to coach too…blah blah blah” (he said some other shit about monkey bar coaching and I completely lost interest.)

Me: “Yeah”

Michael: “Daddy, I memorized my whole bible verse…wanna hear it?...(Insert the Verse)”

 ** the whole verse was maybe 1 ½ sentences long (I expected a little more because he made it sound like it was a big deal)...it made a mention of a psalm and I zoned out again…I started praying for more monkey bar talk**

Me: “Wow, that was amazing, you memorized the whole psalm”

Michael: “Psalm?, It’s called a verse, Dad”

**Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot...At this point I decided the only way to stop the babbling was to tell him about MY day**

Me: “So we met with an architect today about putting an addition on the house”

Michael: “Daddy, Beau went home with his Grandma today…can you turn on the radio?”

 **Hey kid…why don’t you pay attention to my stories for once?**

Me: “Absolutely”

 

Radio On!

 

Be good people…see ya soon

KC

Do Ladies Really Want a Sensitive Guy?

One of the age old questions…Do women really want a sensitive guy or do they prefer a manly man?

I was talking with one of my friends the other day and the topic of sensitive dudes came up. I asked her flat out, “What would you prefer…a manly man or a sensitive, metrosexual type?” Without hesitation she replied “manly man”. I guess that was the answer I expected, but not with quite as much conviction as she had in her response. Now, I realize that the sample size in my survey is about as small as it can get, but it was enough to pique my interest to make me think more about the topic.

What exactly do women mean when they say “sensitive”?

When I think of a “sensitive” dude, I think of a guy who is socially awkward and has very little in common with any other guys. He’s the guy who says “If she only knew what she was missing” or “What does she see in that guy?”.  He’s the guy who is always in the “friend zone”. The dude who cries at movies or pours his heart out to a girl too soon. The sensitive guy gets attached too quickly and becomes a semi-stalker. A person who writes sappy letters and uses metaphors like “my heart is an ocean” type of shit. Texting all the time…ultra-involved in decisions…worried about what you’re both going to wear to a party. A sensitive guy likes cats and cuddling. His hands are a little limp and he has an opinion on which curtains you buy. He’s the guy that hangs out with mostly girls because he says they “have more in common” …it’s really because his friends aren’t trying to listen to him cry about his ex-girlfriends anymore. I could go on all day.

So Mr. Sensitive…if you’re so great, why are you still single?

I’ll tell you why…because you spend all of your time dreaming and talking about how you are waiting for someone who can appreciate all you have to offer. You just can’t wait for the right woman to sit around a fire with, drinking wine and reading US Weekly and In Touch Magazine. You want to talk about decorating and cheese. You dream of cuddling up with a furry, down comforter and staring at your one true love while she is sleeping, with your chin in your hands thinking “I’m the luckiest guy in the whole wide world”.

Reality check…The lucky lady you’re looking for is already taken by a guy who is sitting in the other room watching Sports Center so the girl you want to stare at while she’s sleeping can be left alone to read Fifty Shades of Grey.

I can’t imagine most women really want that guy. I can understand wanting a guy who is conscious of your feelings, someone who holds the door open for you and someone who is there for you when you’re crying or whatever, but it seems to me that girls have girlfriends for sensitivity. We guys could probably all be a little “more sensitive”, but not “sensitive” as a permanent adjective. I try to be sensitive to my wife’s needs, but the best I can come up with when she’s crying is a hug and to tell her a shower might help (it usually does).

You know what the other problem is with these dudes? They are socially awkward around other couples which can make for some weird times with friends. Make no mistake about it ladies, when you have that guy as your man, the rest of the couples are talking about him behind your back. Things like, “How about so and so…he’s so weird…he’s like having another girl around.” The relationship is doomed and then you’re going to have a stalker on your hands. Late night hang-ups (just so he can hear you say “hello”), sappy text messages, begging for you back…Save yourself…Leave now!

BUT…if you do love him and plan on staying with him (I’m not sure how this could happen), but if it does, I have some advice for him to better fit in with the majority of dudes in social settings. Below are my five tips for fitting in with other non-sensitive guys.

Keep in mind that I don’t consider myself a “manly man”, but more of a “dude’s dude”, a “man of the people” if you will. I’m not into Alpha-Male shit like punching each other in the shoulder, calling each other names to emasculate one another or playing drinking games until I puke. However, I feel that there are certain things all guys should know in order to make their adventures in male, social circles a little easier. After the “How’s work?…What do you do for a living?...How’s the family?”, there is going to be a time when at least one of these topics will be very useful in navigating the dangerous waters of male conversation:

#1 Sports Knowledge- If all else fails, sports are your “go to” topic of conversation. Dudes should know something relevant about sports. At the very least, know who the current world champions are in each of the four major sports (but beware, that is not enough to get you through a whole night of guy conversation). In my opinion, you should allocate at least 15 -20 minutes per day to watching the beginning of Sports Center on ESPN and if you find yourself with nothing to watch on TV, the remote should instantly switch to ESPN until you find something more suitable to your viewing pleasure. I get it…some guys aren’t that interested in sports, but take one for the team for goodness sake…don’t make things uncomfortable for the rest of us guys when we are trying to find common ground with you at a party by your lack of sports knowledge. ***Very Important*** don’t get schooled by a girl who knows more about sports than you…not cool man!

#2 Drinks- It is of the utmost importance to not be caught in front of strangers with a “girly” drink. If you can’t think of a “manly” drink to order, just go with a beer…any beer. You can’t be drinking a Pina Colada in front of new friends unless you are at the beach or poolside…and then it depends on what the rest of the group is drinking…just play it safe and have a beer…any beer. The beauty of a beer is that if you’re liquor knowledge is “suspect”; you can always say “I’m not a big liquor drinker, but I’ll have a beer”.

#3 Home Repair (only a little knowledge is required) - I would like to say that I have more knowledge in this area, but if I’m being honest, my home repair skills are lacking. However, I have learned enough to sound like I know what I’m talking about, which is very important. I know when to chime in and when to play stupid. I also know what most tools are (that helps).  As a guy, we constantly run the risk of saying something just to sound manly, that makes us actually sound the furthest thing from manly. So here’s the deal…if another guy is talking about his current home improvement project, raise your eyebrows and say “wow” or “that sounds like a lot of work” or “better you than me”…any random cliché to allow them to keep talking. NEVER offer your help if you don’t know what you’re doing.

#4 Geography- For me, this goes hand in hand with sports knowledge. Any time somebody tells you where they are from, you should know a little something about the area and which sports teams are from or around there. Geographic knowledge will especially help you with new people and help you find common ground quickly. For example, “I’m from the Cleveland area”…your response should be. “Great area, it would be nice if the Browns and Indians could get it together”. That will buy you at least 5 more minutes of conversation and most likely 10. The best part is you won’t even have to say much because the other guy will do most of the talking since it’s his team. Just nod and agree.

#5 Music Knowledge- Everybody listens to some type of music, but your scope should be broad when it comes to talking music with other guys. The tricky thing is, knowing enough to fit in with any crowd of dudes. That means you need to know at the very least the legends (Beatles, Hendrix, Stones etc.). I’m not saying you need to be able to sing their songs, but if somebody says John Lennon’s name, you better know who he is and that he’s dead. If you’re not very well versed in music, it is very important to mention some obscure bands that only you might know so that you appear smarter than you are. For example, “Lately, I’ve been more into bands like Medeski, Martin and Wood…kind of a fusion vibe”. That will keep the other guys from asking you too many music questions for fear that you know more than them. If you get caught though…take a big ol’ drink of that beer and head for a refill. Hopefully by the time you get back to the conversation it’s about something more in your wheelhouse.

So that’s it…my thoughts on Mr. Sensitive…What are yours?

Leave a comment down below.

Thanks for stopping by! 

KC

Hey...Nice Status!

Oh the weekends...how we love you so!

So get this...I was driving to lunch today and saw a bunch of people rushing out of their cars, and running over to the intersection I was heading to...Apparently this dude got hit by a car while riding his bike...He was laid out when I drove by (obvious statement, I know!) and all of the people were freaking out...There was no ambulance or police there yet, so it must have just happened...I was in a little bit of a hurry, so of course in my mind I was thinking "OK rubber-neckers...get moving...I know you want to see a mangled man in the street, but I have shit to do...get going already"...either way I hope he is okay and thankfully I got there before the traffic got too backed up :) I hope the guy isn't roadkill...I'll tell you what though, his bike was a mess...he's gonna need a new Schwinn for sure (if he can ever ride a bike again).

So this morning I was thinking...again in the shower (it's either there, or on the can that I do the most thinking)...And by the way, I did have a very off the wall thought on the can one day...Here it is...The majority of people nowadays are pretty tech savvy and from what I can see on the social networking sites...mostly facebook (that's the only one I really use)...a lot of people update their profiles or do status updates from their cell phones right?...Well I wonder how much people use their cell phones like a newspaper when they are taking a crap? Or better yet...How many people are actually updating their status while they are on the pot? I suspect a lot...and if that's the case, I wish they would be truthful about their updates and say "I'm on the can right now updating my status"...Wouldn't that be refreshing?...an honest update...I mean we're tired of knowing what everybody's having for dinner right?...I'm guilty of posting my dinners too...Why do we do that? Is it because we have nothing else to update with? It's like facebook small talk (like talking about the weather in real life...because facebook isn't real life...right?...or is it? :))...So, here's a question to ponder and I just thought of it...What would your status updates be if they were constantly in lights over your head everywhere you went? If I were walking down the street right now in lights over my head would be (and this is really my current status) "Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow...Everybody needs a bosom"...That would look a little weird (it happens to be a lyric from a song that I heard at work, for those who don't know)...People would think I was a total weirdo if that were over my head...But I'm just a regular dude...I'm not too weird...Not according to my status though...I'm a FREAK...people would tell their kids to stay away from me :)...Thankfully it's our friends on facebook and they know us well enough to know it's a joke (I hope)..How about going on a job interview with your status over your head that says "Can't wait to be out this bitch yo" (that's an actual one from right now...and I love it), but imagine if that's what was over your head in lights...Every morning we would look in the mirror and say "oh I'm having a bad status day :), but I'm too lazy to change it"...So people would walk around with old statuses (is that even right?...statuses?) that said things like..."TGIF" on Wednesdays...or "Lasagna for Dinner" and people would comment on them saying "Wow Bill you've had lasagna a lot this week"..."I know, I guess I should change that...haha"...AND what if the comments that people left on your updates were written on your back so people behind you in line at the supermarket could read them...OK I'm rambling on...this isn't even what I wanted to blog about today, but it is what it is...Have a great weekend!

See Ya'll....KC

The Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction is alive and well and I am still amazed by it...About 6 or 7 years ago, I read the book The Secret and I bought it today for a cousin of mine. I started thumbing through it again and man is it a good book...If you haven't read it, it's about the Law of Attraction and how whatever you think about and can see happening in your mind is exactly what will happen...For example, it says that if you are always afraid of getting sick, then you will ultimately get sick because that is what you think about all of the time...Or if you are always afraid of losing all of your money, ultimately you will lose all of your money because it is what you think about. On the contrary, if you always believe that you will have much success and much happiness, then that is what you will get in return! I can't tell you how much I believe in the Law of Attraction...The day I started this blog, I made a conscious decision to change the way I thought about my job...remember?...I decided to make the best of the situations I was presented with and start every day with a positive attitude...Well, today we have put our 8th home under contract for the month of September which is more than we have done all year (in a single month)...We made the Re/Max Carolinas Region top 100 teams list for the first time ever and are poised to start off October with a quick start...All because of the Law of Attraction...You are what you think about all day! So let's think great thoughts and make every day fantastic!

Quick Updates:

If you read the post about my cousin (bad facebook friends) who was having issues...I've been in contact with them and they are doing real good..I'm actually sending The Secret to them tomorrow...so that's good news!

Teacher Snack day was a success and I'm glad it's over...I happened to get a message from a friend of mine who I've known since elementary school...She is a teacher and for the record, was against teacher snack day...BUT, when I got the message I thought...I wouldn't mind bringing muffins for her or any other of my teacher friends, so why should I mind taking them to the teachers that are spending all day with my son?...So I actually baked blueberry muffins from scratch just because I had too much poison in my mind about teacher snack day...So I made them from the heart and took absolutely no credit for them...I didn't even put our name on the tray because I figured a good gesture is better if nobody takes credit for it (even though I'm taking credit for it now :)).

See Ya'll....KC

Oldies but Goodies...Already?

I realized as I was looking at some of my past blogs that they are pretty long...probably a little too long and I'm going to try and shorten them a little bit for you all...as a matter of fact, this one is going to be real short, but I do have something on my mind...

As I was driving home from work today, I pulled up next to a couple of 17 or 18 yr old  kids and I could hear the bass from their car stereo going "Boom Boom Boom" and practically rattling my truck...Now 15 years ago, I was them so it doesn't bother me at all, but what does bother me is how shitty the new music is (at least what's on the radio)...I think I'm officially old now (I'm imagining myself as a granny saying "I just don't understand these kids nowadays and their boom boom music)...I guess I just can't relate anymore...The lyrics don't hit home for me like some songs used to and the worst part is, I know they weren't meant for me, they were meant for the younger kids (which I am sadly not a part of anymore)...Although, I'm not sure I would want to be stuck in this musical generation...think of how many great bands came out in the 90's (when I was in high school)...Bands like Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Rage Against the Machine (there are so many that I should stop here before this becomes a list of great bands)...Even the rappers were "legit" back then...and now the new generation gets to say they grew up listening to Lady Gaga and Jason DeRulo?...That's a damn shame!...I'm sure they'll be saying the same thing in 15 years though...It's funny that I used to be in the rap music scene...hell I was even a rapper, and now, I can't even stand to listen to rap at all...I actually have a hard time listening to any of the new music not just rap...Don't get me wrong, if I'm out at the bar or at a party and some "boom boom" music comes on I'm cool with it, but when I'm alone...forget it...And here's my biggest problem...I don't know who can really sing anymore? Because it seems like every song that I hear on the "pop" and "hip hop" stations have what they call an auto tune effect on their voices which sounds like computers singing...The auto tune can take any sound and automatically tune it to any musical note you want for instance... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIoG4PlEPtY

Now that's a perfect example of how to make a song out of nothing...

how about this one...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rqzjry_adxA&feature=feedrec

See, you don't need talent to be a musician today...just get auto tune and start recording!

However, there are still some bands out there that are relevant...Phoenix for instance is unbelievably talented and original, so I suggest you check them out if you haven't already...as well as The Script and The Fray...Basically the people who are playing instruments are about the only ones you can trust now (not all though)...be careful out there...Don't get fooled by auto tune!

That's all I've got tonight!

See Ya'll...KC

Snack Day and the PTA

My wife and I have one prized possession in the world and it happens to be our son...We think he is smart, handsome, funny...all of that good stuff that people say about their kids...With that being said, we don't feel the need to broadcast his accomplishments to the whole world like a lot of parents do...Now, I'm not saying that its a bad thing to broadcast those things, I'm simply saying that I feel like nobody cares if my son is on the honor roll except for us and MAYBE some select family members, but that is it...Nobody cares if he plays sports except for us and nobody cares where he goes to school except for us...That's why we choose not to broadcast his life to the world with bumper stickers and magnets...Again, not a bad thing...just not for us...as a matter of fact, one of the reasons I don't want a magnet with his school name on my car is that I don't want to be at the grocery store and have another parent from that school strike up a meaningless conversation with me in the parking lot (I know it sounds bad, but it's true :))...We have just never been the kind of people to be that involved...don't get me wrong, we are involved, but not overly...We will show up for parent/teacher conferences and school plays (only if he's in it), or sporting events (if he's in it), but I'm not trying to go to family movie night at the school when I can take him to the movie theater and there's no pressure for small talk...and I sure as hell ain't wearing the school socks that they tried to sell us in the first week of school...I can't even think of a kid who would want to wear school socks let alone the parents...they should be ashamed of themselves trying to sell us some bullshit like that :)

When we grew up, our parents were the same way as we are (pretty much)...they would come to our games and events, but they didn't over-do it and I am so thankful for that. My mom was not in the PTA or PTO or whatever they call it now and dads weren't even expected to be involved at all (those were the days:))...and I realize now exactly why they didn't get too involved...BECAUSE IT'S TOO MUCH TO KEEP UP WITH and TOO TIME CONSUMING! You'll miss out on your kid's whole life just trying to keep up with all the shit that they get could involved with...Again, just my opinion...I'm not trying to start any debates here...I know when it comes to kids, everybody has their own way of doing things.

When we signed our son up for his school, they asked for an email address on the contact info sheet...My wife and I have one joint email account for work that both of us can send and receive from...this was the email address we used, figuring that if the teacher or office needed to get a hold of us they could always reach one of us...Also, any school info would come to us both and we would both be "in the loop"...Little did I know that when we did that, I would be thrown into an endless pit of bullshit emails and "play date/PTA" hell...I kid you not, I get at least 5 emails a day either from his school or Moms of other kids wanting something...usually time or money...And I'd be an asshole if I ask to get off the list right? Then I'd be labeled a bad dad who doesn't care...But really, I think deep down, 75% of the parents just want to be left alone and it's the other 25% who have nothing better to do than be overly involved in planning their kid's lives and the lives of other kids that make it hell on the rest of us (and make us look bad)...I just imagine all of the stay-at-home Moms (no offense here at all...I happen to think being a stay at home mom is the hardest job in the world...as a matter of fact, I would pull my hair out and be hooked on prescription pills if I had to stay at home all day with kids)...But, I think they have too much time on their hands and when the babies are napping, they start planning shit for the rest of us...Here is the newest event that we are expected to be involved in...This Wednesday is Teacher Snack Day (the word snack drives me crazy, by the way)...So it is the job of the Kindergarten parents to provide snacks for the teachers...WHAT?...We are three weeks into the school year and somehow we have to provide "snacks" for the teachers...I think that's crap...They do a good job and I appreciate their hard work, but I don't feel like I need to provide them with snacks...The principal (their boss) should provide snacks...Actually, who the hell needs a "snack" day anyway? If I'm a teacher, I'm thinking "Wow, that's lame...snack day? How about whiskey day for dealing with your brats from 8 til 3?"...The way I see it is we already provide tuition, which provides their paycheck, which in turn provides them with snacks at their home (and liquor)...I don't ever remember our customers banning together to have "Realtor Appreciation Day" and getting snacks for us...So Mr. Principal...Step it up!

So, we get the email from one of the other "better" parents that says The Teacher/Staff Appreciation Committee (see, too much time on their hands, they have committees for everything now) is sponsoring this "snack day" and here are some suggestions of what we should bring...blah blah blah...I can't even read these emails any longer, they make me sick :)...So, my wife signs us up for muffins...which is hilarious, because I know damn well she ain't baking any muffins...at best, we'll make a last minute trip to Costco and buy a pallet of 200 or so assorted muffins...she should have just said we'll bring water...now that we can handle...we could fill up some old 2 liter bottles and bring a Styrofoam cooler of ice with plastic cups...that's a little more up our alley...muffins? not so much! So all of the other parents respond to the email as well, but not just to the sender...they reply to all of us...so now, not only do I have to read about the snack day, but also what EVERY other parent is planning to bring...and I can hear their voices saying "we'll make a casserole", "we're bringing croissants (probably in a french accent...to sound cool and refined)" and "we'll bring bagels and cream cheese"...We got 15 responses back on what everyone was bringing...torture! And I can't blame everybody for responding to "all"...whoever did it first set the standard, the rest of us were pressured into it...But here's the kicker...this weekend, the planner for the whole thing sends out a new email that says..."Just a reminder...blah blah blah...so far we have four people bringing (a list of four things)...so there is still plenty of opportunity to get involved"...I wanted to throw my computer through a wall...ONLY FOUR RESPONSES? I have fifteen still in my inbox (I never delete things from my inbox)...what kind of planner is this?...I told my wife, "you know what's coming next...fifteen more emails correcting her"...sure as shit, my email started going off...I could just imagine the old AOL guy saying "you've got mail", "you've got mail", "you've got mail" and after about the sixth one saying "Hey asshole...you've got mail...if this is the freakin' school people again I'm gonna reboot with a virus and shut this shit down!"...It was murder reading those emails again...The only thing is that I was hoping for somebody to try and claim what another parent had already committed to and start an email battle...Could you imagine..."Oh no that bitch didn't say she's bringing croissants...I already got the buttermilk and flour and I'm not backing down" (I don't know if croissants are made of buttermilk and flour, but it sounds about right)...now, those emails I could handle...I wish someone would have claimed muffins though, because I really have a feeling that they are expecting more along the lines of the "homemade" variet than the Costco brand mega muffins...they seem pretty serious about snack day...I'll probably be baking tomorrow night :)


See Ya'll (spell check is saying ya'll is spelled "y'all" and I kind of agree (due to what an apostrophe means), but I've been living down here for over a year now and it is definitely ya'll)...KC

Bob Meet Bill...Part 2

So we get to the hotel and step out of the truck with our luggage and a cooler full of beer. We proceed to the front desk to check in. Bob had made reservations on priceline.com because they had the cheapest rates and he is always looking for a deal...as a matter of fact on another trip to Myrtle Beach he printed out coupons for free cover charge at a bar called Studebakers which happened to be a swing dancing club for 60-75 year olds...so he is notoriously cheap (if he reads this...that statement will surely bother him :))...So back to the front desk...we have 2 rooms reserved...I am going to stay in a room with Bill and Melvin and Bob will be staying in another...Luckily, I was the first one up to the counter and the lady says to me "You have a reservation for one king size bed"...I said "Well, there are two dudes staying in the room who aren't gay, so I'm going to need 2 twin beds if that's possible"...She says "You're in luck, I have one double room left!"...This was magic to my ears, because now not only do Bill and I have separate beds, but I know that will leave Melvin and Bob with one bed to share...No matter what Bob tried to do or say, he could not get a double room...He tried like hell, but was told that there was an Anime convention in town and all of the rooms were booked solid...Anime, by the way, is Japanese animation and apparently these cartoons are full of ninjas, sword fighters and all kinds of fantasy characters...Not really my thing, but the people occupying the hotel seemed to love it. There were all kinds of kids and adults dressed up like wizards and warlocks in the lobby and I remember one guy yelling "Morpheus!"...I have to be honest, I hated all of them, but they were very entertaining!

So as we are heading up to the room a guy stops Bob and says "Hey man, how did you get your cooler in here? They told me you could only bring in a cooler if it had Medicine." Bob's reply was classic he said "Yeah, that's what I have in here...meat and medicine!" Meanwhile his leg is still swelling up, so I'm sure the guy bought it...I actually thought for a minute that Bob would try and get out of the ballgame because of his shin, but he didn't. So once we get settled into the rooms we showered and headed to the elevators to go to dinner...at this point we've been drinking a little bit and were feeling pretty good, so we get in the elevator with a family of four and push the lobby button and start heading down...The elevator stops at about the fifth floor and the door opens...standing before us is a 16 or 17 year old girl in a full spandex "get up" with a cape and a sword with her face painted as some kind of Japanese cat...she gets in the elevator with us and it is silent for about 5 seconds until Melvin can't take it anymore...He starts laughing to himself (you know the grunting noise that your nose make when you are trying to hold in a laugh but can't)...His face is beet red and his eyes are watering when finally, the rest of us lose it...This poor cat girl had to ride down five floors being absolutely mocked by four dudes who had been drinking all afternoon. It was a priceless moment for us, but I'm sure it felt like an eternity for her...She needed to get to Morpheus quickly!

So we eat and go to the ballgame and for some reason my buddy Jason calls me in about the third inning and tells me that "Rod Stewart died"...I said "Are you sure? Rod Stewart?"...He assured me it was Rod Stewart, so I proceeded to let everybody in our section know that Rod Stewart was dead...I didn't actually tell everybody, but I kept saying it loud enough so that everybody heard...I wanted to be known  as the guy with the breaking news (you've all done it too...there's something cool about delivering shocking news and you want the credit for it...it's natural :))...So it's pretty well known that Rod Stewart is dead in Cincinnati! UNTIL...One inning later when Jason calls me back and says "I made a mistake it was some other Stewart"...Great, now I get to be the guy who breaks false news stories...So I didn't say a word, I just let it go and everybody still thought he was dead (Hey, I have a reputation to protect...it had been a rough day and I ain't goin' out as a liar :))...Anyway, about the fifth inning we decide to walk around the ball park and while we're doing that we spot a boat in the river behind the stadium that looks like a Riverboat Casino...Well that was enough to leave the game for, except after we leave we find out that it is not a casino it's just a big ass boat! At this point though, we had casino on the brain and asked a cab driver if there was one near by...He says "Yeah, about 15 minutes up the freeway"..."Can you take us there?"..."Yeah, climb in"...So we get in the minivan cab and start driving and driving and driving...When we see the "Welcome to Kentucky" sign we all look at each other and decide it's time to ask the cab driver if we are still in fact going to the casino...He says "It's just across the state line into Indiana"..."So we're going two states away to the casino?"..."Yeah it's only a few minutes from here"...We were in that cab for at least 35-40 minutes and finally pulled into the casino parking lot in this shady little town called Lawrenceburg, Indiana...I can't even remember how much the ride cost us, but it wasn't cheap...So we go to the casino, but in the back of my mind I'm wondering "Who the hell is going to drive us back to Ohio when we want to leave?"...We'll deal with that later!

So we gamble a little bit and decide we should head to a local bar :)...Bill says he's going to stay behind at the casino because he wanted to win some money and we tell him we won't be long...So we start walking down the street and it's basically a shitty little neighborhood full of beat up ranch style homes with falling down fences and ratty cars in the driveways, and they decided to put a casino and some random hole in the wall bars and one strip club smack dab in the middle of it! (that is way too long of a sentence...so much for grammar)...So we're walking down the street toward the highway where there are supposedly a couple of bars...one gentleman's club (no gentleman were in this joint) and another local shit-hole bar! We're walking and walking and can't find these bars, so we see an old movie theater and I decide to stop in and ask for directions...Sitting in the ticket window is a ninety year old guy and his old buddy...At this point I'm debating to even ask where the strip club is because I'm too embarrassed with him being ninety and all, but I'm committed to the cause so I say "Excuse me sir, do you know how to get to the strip club from here?"...He can't hear well (of course, right? he's frickin ninety...he thinks I want tickets to the movies and he really can't hear me through the glass)...So I say it louder "DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET TO THE STRIP CLUB?"...He comes from out of the ticket booth and gives me the "one more time" look where you lift your eyebrows and look closer at somebody...So I ask again and he knows exactly how to get there...The old perv probably went there every night...He says its called "Concepts Showgirls" and it's down the street and when you get to the highway make a right, it's a block down...So we do and there it is...Melvin and I proceed to enter while Bob goes into the bar across the street...For the record, Concepts Showgirls should be renamed to Concepts Show Horses, because there were some nasty chicks up in that place...BUT there are two dollar beers and we figured at that price...gross boobs are better than no boobs at all...so we start drinking...The way this place was set up was with two sections...one with a pool table and chairs all around it (apparently that was the VIP section) and then there was the stage area which had about ten folding chairs around a 10x7 wood platform for a stage...So we sat there...The beers kept flowing and the horses kept prancing around...I actually almost got kicked in the face by one of the dancers clear-soled hooker boots (that's how close the seats were to the stage)...Melvin and I were having a really good time, laughing and thoroughly enjoying ourselves until one of the dancers comes too close and (EXPLICIT WARNING HERE) I get a wiff of poop!!! Now, I'm not a perfectionist and I know this place ain't an upscale club, but a wiff of poo was a little too much..."Can we cash out please?"...We call Bob and meet him on Elm street to walk back to the Casino to get Bill and get the hell out of Lawrenceburg...At this point it was 1:00 AM (ish)!

We start walking back to the Hollywood Casino and we hear "WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF" and a lady yelling "CAESAR!!! CAESAR!!! CAESAR!!!"...Guess who was attacking Bob's bad leg...You guessed it...Caesar the dog...It was so dark out, that I can't even tell you what kind of dog Caesar was, but he was not messing around! He kept barking and attacking while Bob tried to run and jump out of the way...I happened to be on the phone with my wife when Caesar attacked and she said "Who is screaming? Where are You?"...I said "Bob is getting attacked by a dog, we are walking down a street in Indiana heading back to the Casino from the strip club." She says "Why are you going to the casino now?"..."Honey. it's a long story, but Bill is still there and we need to figure out how to get back to Ohio" (this must have sounded crazy to her, but it was all true:))...So the woman gets Caesar under control and Bob is thankfully not mauled to death...We finally get back to the casino after a fifteen minute walk.

We meet back up with Bill and decide it's time to figure out how to get back to Cincy...So we head to the cab station outside...The guy working there says he will call a cab for us and they should be here within twenty minutes...so we hang out by the doors of the casino waiting for the cab...twenty minutes goes by, then thirty, then forty and we ask the guy again at the cab stand...he says they are on the way...It's about 2AM at this point and we are really ready to get the hell out of there...It's been a real long day! Right about then, a bus full of old people pulls up...It was one of those tour buses that takes old people on casino trips every weekend...All of the old bagels get off the bus and we decide to ask the driver if he would be willing to drive us back to the hotel...He says "Nope, can't do it"...So we are waiting and waiting for this frickin' cab to come and we see the tour bus driver mosey on over to us...He says (he's black so use whatever black accent you use when reading) "Ya'll still need to get back to Cincinnata? (yes he said Cincinnata with an a)"...We tell him we do and he asks how much we would pay him?...We agree on $50 a man and we board the tour bus...He didn't care that all of the old people's belongings were still on the bus or anything, he just wanted to make a quick $200 and he did...We drove on this bus for a good hour getting back to the hotel and we loved every minute of it...After the long day we had...We deserved it!!! So Bill and I headed up to the room and Melvin and Bob cozied up to each other in their king sized bed and we had a good night's sleep (they claim they put a pillow between them, but I suspect there was some spooning going on)!

One of the greatest days of my life!!!

The rest of the trip was highly un-eventful compared to this day...Thank goodness!

THE END

See Ya'll tomorrow when I need to rant about the Fu**in PTA parents :)...KC