Stall Tactics!

I found out today that this blog has over 1000 views already...that's crazy to me...I thought there were maybe a hundred or two, but over a thousand is pretty cool...so thanks to everybody who is reading it and for those of you who are followers...I'm glad you are here!

Now on to the very important subject of the day...Public Restroom Etiquette...I know it sounds gross, but bear with me for just a minute...It's gonna be a shart, I mean short blog today :)

Here's what happened today to prompt this blog...My wife and I were at the Raleigh Convention Center downtown for a wealth management seminar to learn how to handle the wealth that we are yet to obtain. The time comes for a 15 minute break, so we head outside for some fresh air...when we come back in I tell her I'm running to the restroom and proceed to the nearest one...When I open the door, I have to immediately turn left or else I will walk into the broom closet...on my right side are three sinks and on my left side are three urinals and directly to the right of the urinals are two private stalls. Normally, if I am the only one in there, I would use the furthest urinal to the left (we'll call it urinal #1)...that would leave urinal #2 (the middle one) and #3(the far right one) as well as both private stalls available, figuring that if anybody else walks in they have 3 choices that are not directly next to me (urinal #3 and both private stalls)...Unfortunately, today there was a guy using urinal #1 and a guy using the private stall directly connected to urinal #3...so here is the dilemma...Man Law clearly states that I cannot use urinal #2 because it invades the privacy of the guy at urinal #1 (unless it is a sporting event or there is a line for the bathroom)...If I use urinal #3, I am stuck next to the private stall that is being used, which is kind of okay, except today the guy in the private stall was having major issues...heavy breathing, noises that shouldn't be coming out of anybody and smells that I can't describe (sorry, I know this is gross, but it's all I have today :))...He even had his shorts around his ankles in a puddle of water on the floor which I think is totally un-called for...If you're in a public restroom, why would you let your pants touch the floor?...You have to secure them at your knees man!...So what am I to do? I have to use urinal #3...I sure as hell ain't going in the other private stall next to the grunter...Mind you, all of this has to process in less than 3 seconds because I can't just hang out and wait for one of them to finish (then I would look like a total weirdo...and that would demote my status to a notch under "the grunter" in the eyes of guy at urinal #1)...You always want to be the normal guy in a bathroom setting...anything else is considered gay and unacceptable! So up to urinal #3 I stroll and proceed to do my business...Now, Man Law also states that there is no smiling or talking and you must stare at either the wall or the urinal mints...The only exception to those rules are if you are in there with your good friend and have at least 2 spaces between each other...You can only talk to strangers (and this is a stretch) when you are washing hands or holding the door open...which only gets a "thanks"...Back to the story...I am in mid-stream and the guy at urinal #1 starts making a noise like he is pushing out his pee too hard (again, I apologize, but there is no other way to tell it)...I assumed he has some sort of prostate issue (why?..I'm really not sure...doesn't that mess up your stream?) Anyway, what happens when you push too hard? That's right...you let out a fart...and he did...a long squeaky one...I happen to be childish and would have laughed if I had known someone else in there, but with complete strangers, I stick to the law...stare at the urinal mint...Here's the problem, he turns to me and says "Woops"..."OH NO HE DIDN'T!"...Oh Yes he did!...I didn't know how to react...I thought the guy in the private stall was having issues, but at least he wasn't breaking any man laws...this guy had blatantly broken a major rule...I'm ok with the fart (we are in the bathroom after all), but you never acknowledge it publicly...especially with a turn to your neighbor and a "woops"...it may as well have been a "woopsy daisy, nice penis" So I kept on staring at the urinal mint like any normal law abiding citizen would...but that made it more awkward...Of course we finished at the same time and had to wash our hands together...Awkward...Then he followed me up the steps to the seminar...Uncomfortable...I saw him at least 3 more times during the day and every time I had to point him out to my wife..."Hey, there's the guy that farted at me again"...The only good thing I took out of the experience was that I was the Alpha male in the bathroom today...and for that I feel completely normal and satisfied!

Totally off subject, but isn't it weird that the word "weird" breaks the "i before e" rule...food for thought :)

See Ya'll...KC